'The Bachelor' recap: Out for Blood

Hello and welcome to week two, rose lovers! While right now there may be fewer of us on this "journey" than in previous seasons, I, for one, will never abandon Brad during his time of nationally televised humiliation need. For God's sake, people, we watched every episode of Prince Lorenzo Borghese's season -- you know we can survive this mess.

The episode opens with the "ladies" enjoying their morning mimosa ritual as Harrison -- in a bold, electric blue shirt -- shows up to remind the women to use their time with Brad "wisely" (an impossible feat for some of them, I'm sure) and to drop off the date card. Raichel (or is it Marissa?) lunges for the envelope, and as she tears it open, the suspense nearly makes Melissa the waitress explode. "It is very, like, imperative that I get this date. I've been thinking about doing this for eight years, and I spent a fortune on clothes and dresses and gowns. I quit my job!" Yes, and God knows if Dave & Buster's will still be hiring when you get back, so I hope your name is on that card too…. But the envelope holds bad news for all of the "ladies" but one: "Ashley H, the road to love is a wild ride." Perhaps the only person more disappointed than unemployed Melissa is sweet and Southern Ashley 2, who gives Ashley 1 a truly impressive death glare.

Night falls and Brad arrives to whisk Ashley away in a silver sports car. When he parks the car on a deserted dirt road and leads Ashley through the darkness to an unknown location, for a second I thought The Bachelor was finally going to realize its full potential as a horror film. "It feels like something out of a horror movie!" whines Ashley. (OMG Ash -- jinx! Buy me a Coke!) But rather than donning coveralls and a hockey mask and chasing Ashley through the woods with a machete, Brad instead asks her to flip a giant switch. And voila! It's an abandoned carnival! (okay, maybe this is a horror movie…) While there appears to be no one operating the rides, Brad and Ashley have a grand old time riding the flying swings, playing the Ring Toss, and eating cotton candy (with a wine chaser). The sugar-booze combo works its magic quickly, and soon they're making out under the romantic and garish glow of neon carnival lights.

When they come up for air, Brad remembers he's actually supposed to talk to these women. "What makes you you?" he asks Ashley. Good thing he follows up that question with an enormous swig of wine, because Ashley's answer is a hum-dinger: her dad, who has had addiction problems and has been homeless, was never really in the picture, and so she's a girl who is looking for stability but always preparing for the worst. Brad can relate, because -- as he spent much of the premiere telling us -- his father was an unreliable presence and may in fact have caused him to leave two women standing at the Proposal Platform. "My fear is that you feel obligated to choose somebody," muses Ashley. Your fear is one hundred percent correct, young lady! But like a well-trained telemarketer, Brad has a rebuttal for every argument: "I don't need redemption," he says. "I'm so much different." Ashley buys his story, so she, Brad, and her date rose take a ride on the Ferris wheel and call it a night.

NEXT: Bleeding is fundamental

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