SLAP SHOT Chantal lets her fingers do the talking to second-time Bachelor Brad
While some of the other "ladies" continue on Chantal's you've been a bad bad boy theme by mocking, chastising, and otherwise de-balling Brad (see Alli's "I know America hates you, but I am more than willing to give you a second chance" introduction, and Sarah's forced proposal walk-through), a surprising number of the bachelorettes seem willing to give Brad another shot at "love." (And some are just blissfully ignorant of his past as a romantic war criminal.) Ashley 2 stays true to her "sweet Southern girl" demeanor by giving "tall drink of water" Brad a comforting kiss on the cheek; Marissa delivers some much-needed good news by telling Brad that her life "revolves around sports;" Raichel turns on the flattery fire hose, telling Brad that he's "the perfect guy" for her; while Melissa the waitress from Connecticut literally leaps into his arms. Meghan, meanwhile, confirms my suspicion that she just may be the worst-dressed "fashion marketer" in the business by emerging from the limo in what can best be described as the type of red platform heels a hooker would wear when attending a fancy dinner at the White House. (Speaking of hooker-wear, Raichel's blue minidress is coated in such a thick layer of sequins it actually makes a crunching noise when Brad hugs her.) The fashion atrocities keep coming, first with Britnee, who beckons Brad from the limo, perhaps because she wanted to get a good look at his face the first time he saw her dress, the kind of frock that you'd get if a bubble skirt and a negligee had a baby after a drunken one-night-stand. Then dear, simple Lisa arrives in red ruby Mary-Janes, because she is from Kansas. (Somewhere, Kansas rolls its eyes and snorts.)
Once all 30 "ladies" have left the limo (side note: did you notice how Team Bachelor has completely abandoned the diversity facade? There's not one Token Minority in the bachelorette bunch!), Brad makes his way inside, where the more the women drink, the more doubtful and suspicious they seem to get. "If it didn't work last time, why would it work this time?" gripes one bachelorette, while Keltie sums up the sentiment in Casa Bachelor thusly: "If he doesn't get a wife this time, he's going to have to go in a cave." Sad Brad spends his first several one-on-ones headlining the No Longer a Bastard 2010 Tour -- "I feel like he's going to have to have the same conversation, like, over and over and over," drones Lauren, a dead-eyed high school teacher -- and the subsequent montage of contrition is a delight to behold. "I feel pretty beat up right now," moans the Bachelor. Don't worry -- here comes Ashley 2, y'all! "I'm not gonna give you any hard questions," she drawls. Too bad he goes straight from the womb-like comforts of Ashley 2's sweet Southern charm directly into Raichel the manscaper's boiling cauldron of wax. Quick poll, rose-lovers: Is using hot wax to rip a conspicuously large patch of arm-hair off of the Bachelor's wrist a better or worse move than drunkenly removing your thong and handing it to the Bachelor the first night you meet? Post your answer in the comments below!
Only slightly less embarrassing is Jackie's one-on-one, which is notable for the weakly sung a cappella ditty she performs. But the night's Shame Spiral Award goes to Alli, who reveals to the room that she was dumped for having too much junk in her trunk. "So," she asks the Bachelor, standing and turning to present her behind to his face, "can you handle this?" This appalls nanny Renee, who steals Brad from Alli, only to have him stolen back by the bootylicious Bachelorette. Renee then tries to steal Brad back one more time, only to be cockblocked by Texas girl Jill. And just when it looks like she might get a true one-on-one, a "wicked sorry" Stacey from Boston all but drags the man away by the (now-naked) wrist. Denied! "I'm aggravated," fumes Renee. "I'm better than all these a--holes here." That's the spirit, honey!
NEXT: Can you guess which bachelorette has a hair growing out of her face mole?