The Bachelor season premiere recap: Juan At a Time, Ladies!

The first "el Bachelor Latino" sets 27 hearts aflutter. Actually, make that 26 -- the woman holding the First Impression Rose is just not that into him
Ep. 01 | Aired Jan 6, 2014

¿QUIÉN ES MAS PSYCHO? Juan Pablo says he feels like "a meat" surrounded by 27 hungry she-beasts.

ABC

But there will be no sleep for anyone until all the roses are handed out. "Ladies," please assemble in the execution chamber! You too, Molly! Juan Pablo, when you're ready (and don't be afraid to let out a heavy sigh between each rose if need be)... Clare gets the first rose (and a nasty side-eye from Amy J.), followed by Nikki, Renee, Andi, Alli, Chantel, Lauren S., Kelly (and Molly), Cassandra, Danielle, Chelsie, Kat... No, he said Kat. KAT. I know he's got an accent but come on, Kylie. (And nice try.) Heaving another sigh, Juan Pablo plays through the pain of Kylie's "whoops" moment and hands out the final five roses to Victoria, Christy, twirly flower child Lucy, Elise, and Amy "I'm a hugger" L. Sorry Kylie, Lauren H., Amy J., Christine, Ashley, Valerie, Lacy, Maggie, and Alexis -- there's nothing left to say except you simply weren't good enough. (Especially you, Lauren H.)

Before we wrap this first leg of our "journey" (sorry, "adventure"), let's take a moment to rank the five best sound bites from the "this season on The Bachelor" preview:

5. "I'm not here to make a fool of myself."

4. "Her actions just make me think, like, King Kong beating on his chest."

3. "Give me three shots of Patron and I'll be topless."

2. "Juan Pablo, I hope he dies!"

1. "You think I'm being loud now?"

Welp, rose lovers, we're off! It feels good, doesn't it? Either way, I want to hear your complaints, compliments, picks for who will "win" it all, so get to posting, won't you? As far as awesome moments go, it's going to be hard to top the cutaway to Molly the dog during the rose ceremony. Also, any bets on who the drunk "I want to go hooooome!" chick is? It seems like it has to be Lucy, but that also seems way too obvious. Be sure to check out Chris Harrison's exclusive Bachelor blog over on PopWatch. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go write some slash fiction about Sean and Juan Pablo. Those two really have chemistry.

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