The Bachelor season premiere recap: Juan At a Time, Ladies!

The first "el Bachelor Latino" sets 27 hearts aflutter. Actually, make that 26 -- the woman holding the First Impression Rose is just not that into him
Ep. 01 | Aired Jan 6, 2014

¿QUIÉN ES MAS PSYCHO? Juan Pablo says he feels like "a meat" surrounded by 27 hungry she-beasts.


Lucy doesn't rely on such superficial similarities to make her connection with Juan Pablo -- she prefers to use her extraordinary ability to invade others' personal space. "Do you get nervous when I get close to you?" she coos. Short answer: Yes. Also, get your bare feet off his legs -- gross! Continuing on the too close for comfort theme, Amy J. leads Juan Pabs to a massage table and begins rubbing down his besuited body after anointing her hands with essential oils. (Hope you plan to pay his dry cleaning bill, toots!) Suffice it to say, neither "lady" will be receiving the First Impression Rose, which Harrison has just deposited on the table. Oops, my bad -- it's not just a rose, it's Maggie's future. "I came out here because, you know, I am ready to settle down and have a family," she informs us. "To me that rose is just one step closer to finding that."

But Maggie and several of the other bachelorettes have yet to snag any one-on-one time with the Bachelor. Time to be aggressive (b-e aggressive!), "ladies"! Oh for the love of all that's holy -- Lauren H. are you crying again? "My last relationship ended suddenly," she whimpers as her tear ducts struggle to release yet another salty drop. "Obviously it has affected me in more ways than I realized." I suppose we should be thankful for Lauren's existential breakdown -- I'm guessing Team Bachelor wouldn't have spent practically an entire segment on it if they had any other cocktail night "drama" to choose from. Eventually she washes those mascara streaks right off of her face and gets it together enough to sit down with Juan Pablo. Naturally, they discuss her traumatic breakup and how completely over it she is. Ooof.

Okay, shake it off, rose lovers -- the race for the First Impression Rose is in its final leg! Will it be Danielle with her teddy bear? Kylie with her "I dreamt about you" pick-up line? Lacy with her picture puzzle? No, no, and no -- it's Sharleen and her worldly pea-soup wiener who earn the first impression rose from Juan Pablo. Unfortunately for him, she'd rather he call her a cab. "I guess I thought that I would feel more of this, like, insta-chemistry than I did," she admits to Team Bachelor. "If I'm totally honest, it just seemed a little forced." I don't know what I'm more surprised by: The fact that Sharleen isn't swayed by Juan Pablo's sex-on-a-stick charms, or that Andi's reaction to losing out on the first impression rose is to say something nice about the woman who did get it: "She's super, super sweet." Way to class up the joint, counselor!

Getting back to the awkwardness at hand, Sharleen eyes Juan Pablo warily as he proffers the coveted symbol of his affection: "I think you're very elegant, I like the way you are, and uh, Sharleen will you accept this rose?" After an uncomfortable eight-second pause -- during which you can practically see the little angel on her shoulder squeaking "Do the right thing!" while the tiny devil shrieks "I wanna be on Teeeee-Veeee!" -- Sharleen reluctantly agrees. "Sure. Yeah, sure." Betch, say thank you, and for God's sake stop calling him "sir"! Juan Pablo (poor, clueless, ridonkulously hot Juan Pablo) remains blissfully unaware that he did not just make Sharleen's day. "I know she's going to sleep well tonight," he crows, "and that makes me happy."

NEXT: Kylie, time to get your hearing checked

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