The Bachelor season premiere recap: Juan At a Time, Ladies!

The first "el Bachelor Latino" sets 27 hearts aflutter. Actually, make that 26 -- the woman holding the First Impression Rose is just not that into him
Ep. 01 | Aired Jan 6, 2014

¿QUIÉN ES MAS PSYCHO? Juan Pablo says he feels like "a meat" surrounded by 27 hungry she-beasts.

ABC

Renee, 32: She and fellow contestant Claire may be the oldest contestants in the mix, but Renee also has a not-so-secret weapon: Her 8-year-old son, Ben. Single parents alone together! Juan Pablo Mateability Scale rating: 4 (Knocking off one point for her smile, which seems more "world-weary and sad" than "nice.")

Andi, 24: An assistant district attorney in Atlanta who disarms opposing counsel with her high cheekbones and severe ponytail. Juan Pablo Mateability Scale rating: 3 (You're already pouting about competing with 24 other women? Two-point penalty.)

Amy, 31: I can't decide what irked me more about this LA-based massage therapist: Her weird, blissed-out facial expressions and heavy breathing while she was kneading that random dude's muscles, or the fact that she thinks Juan Pablo wants to be fed his eggs "here comes the airplane!" style. Overall Juan-Pablo Mateability Rating: 1 (If it weren't for your boobs, lady, you'd have gotten a big 'ol zero.)

Nikki, 26: Sorry, I'd like to have an opinion about this effervescent blonde pediatric nurse, but I'm too distracted by the two ridiculously cute babies Team Bachelor recruited to pose as her patients. Overall Juan-Pablo Mateability Rating: 3.5 (If only her segment had even more babies...)

Lauren H., 25: It seems like Team Bachelor really has it out for this "mineral coordinator" (whatever that is). First they make her look 45 in her official portrait, and then they park a camera about 3 inches from her butt as she's getting up from a bench during her intro package. I find both of those things far more upsetting than the fact that her fiancé dumped her after six weeks. Overall Juan-Pablo Mateability Rating: 2 (¿Como se dice "sad-sack" en Español?)

Valerie, 26: Self-described "pretty girl" personal trainer who is, in fact, not all that pretty. Overall Juan-Pablo Mateability Rating: .5 (You're no Courtney, toots.)

Lacy, 25: Good-size boobs? Check. Pleasant smile? Check. Inspiringly selfless devotion to her special-needs relatives and the elderly, which reminds me that my life is an exercise in myopic cynicism? Check. Overall Juan-Pablo Mateability Rating: 4  (We have to dock you one point for saying your favorite snack is "hot Cheetos." Shudder.)

Clare, 32: Oh, you know she's gonna go far -- and not just because she's part Mexican. I think it was Chekov who said, "If you reveal in the first episode that a woman's dead father recorded a DVD message to her future husband, by the 7th or 8th episode that DVD absolutely must be watched by the Bachelor." Overall Juan-Pablo Mateability Rating: 4.5 (So close, Clare, but you lose half a point for imagining that Juan Pablo could ever love any woman as much as he loves Cameeeela.)

Time to hose off the flagstones at Casa Bachelor, because here comes Juan Pablo. And Harrison's about to drop his first bomb of the night: Due to an "overwhelming" fan response, there will be 27 women competing for roses, not the usual 25. Speaking of which, I can hear the drunken lambs screaming... looks like the limos are starting to arrive! Local news reporter Amy L. exits first, and greets Juan Pabs with a wide smile and a sweetly goofy hug. Swan-necked Cassandra is next, and while you'd think a "former NBA dancer" wouldn't get stage fright, she can barely choke out a few giggles before going completely silent. Will Christy -- who was last seen jamming a pink sequined gown into her suitcase on the Countdown to Juan Pablo special -- fare better? Apparently Juan Pablo thinks she did just fine: "I am liking this first leeemo," he tells no one in particular.

NEXT: Pills, a pooch, and a fake baby bump

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