The Bachelor season finale recap: Bait and Ditch

Who wore a jewel-toned gown and incredulous gaze better? It's Clare vs. Nikki in the season finale of Everybody Loathes Juan Pablo
Ep. 11 | Aired Mar 10, 2014

BEST WORST BACHELOR EVER: This guy.

Clearly it does, but Nikki is working harder than her Colorstay lipgloss to convince us that her "relationship" with Juan Pablo is solid, because he's so "invested." But Harrison's not buying it, nor should he -- I mean, POWs sound more convincing when they're reading prepared statements from their captors in proof of life videos. The crowd is completely demoralized by the whole thing, too, it seems, if the reluctant applause that greets Juan Pablo's reunion with Nikki is any indication. And they really aren't happy about what comes next: That "big surprise" Harrison has been hyping all evening? The one he said Juan Pablo promised an "ABC executive" in St. Lucia? Yeah, that doesn't exist.

And just in case that wasn't a big enough F-U to the network that put his mug on TV, Juan Pablo goes on to declare, "We're done with this show! We're are so done." (That said, Juan Pabs does insist he "appreciates the opportunity" to be handed reality TV fame.) Harrison enlists Bachelor golden boy Sean Lowe to back him up on the whole l-word debate, which he does: "The moment I knew that I was falling in love with her," he says of Catherine, "I could not wait to tell her that." (And the crowd goes wild!) "But Juan Pablo and I, we're two very different people, I think."

As Harrison and Juan Pablo continue to fight over whether or not JP is obligated to say he loves Nikki, the woman in question watches in silence -- perhaps because her soul has left her body and is watching all of this happen from somewhere in the rafters. Eventually Harrison pulls her back down to earth to explain how she's feeling. "I just feel like, time will tell," she says. "This is a real relationship to us."

[Reality check: As delicious as Harrison's indignation on behalf of the Bachelor franchise is, and as easy as it is to hate Juan Pablo for his douche behavior, isn't refusing to make a lifelong commitment to someone after eight weeks actually the most reasonable decision a sane human being can make? End of reality check.]

As for now, Juan Pablo says he and Nikki have "private" plans to live their lives, but Sean shuts that idea down real quick: "I don't want to burst your bubble, but it's not private after the show!" (Ginger Bachelor for the win!) And sure Juan Pablo is slapping (or biting) the hand that feeds him -- but who cares? We got our use out of him, did we not?

Before we end this thing -- "Not gonna lie, I'm okay movin' on," deadpans Harrison -- one last bit of news: Andi is the new Bachelorette. God willing, she will pick one hair color before May.

Well, rose lovers, to paraphrase the immortal words of Tommy Boy: I swear I've seen a lot of Bachelor finales in my day, but that... was... really weird and uncomfortably awkward. I suppose that's why we watch this show. It's been a long "adventure," and I couldn’t have done it without you. So before you leave, please let me know your thoughts on tonight's debacle. Was Juan Pablo the best worst Bachelor ever? Is Nikki being held against her will? Is Andi really the best choice for Bachelorette? And could Harrison take Juan Pablo in a cage match? Post your thoughts now! And a final programming note: stay tuned for Chris Harrison's blog about the finale and the contentious After the Final Rose on Tuesday evening. (It was a long night – he needed a little extra time.) Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get cranky now.

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