The Bachelor season finale recap: Bait and Ditch

Who wore a jewel-toned gown and incredulous gaze better? It's Clare vs. Nikki in the season finale of Everybody Loathes Juan Pablo
Ep. 11 | Aired Mar 10, 2014

BEST WORST BACHELOR EVER: This guy.

For example, Clare, you probably don't know -- nor are you going to like -- the fact that Juan Pablo believes it's your fault if it turns out your connection with him is just physical. After all, he explains, Clare's the one who broke her own "no kissing" rule. "You didn't keep your word," says Juan Pabs, wagging his finger in her face. "So don't blame it on me." He scooches closer and closer to her on the couch, breaking down her defenses with the musky cloud of pheromones that wafts from his pores at all times. "You're special to me," he purrs. "I know if I end up with you, we're going to have a baby in, like, a year and two months." Eventually she winds up back in his arms, completely convinced that "there's definitely a lot more than a physical attraction between the two of us." That's when Juan Pablo goes in for the kill, pulling up Josh Krajcik's "No Better Lovers" on his phone -- the song they danced to on their first one-on-one date -- and triumphantly smacking it down on the table. And she LOVES it. "I don't want a rose," she tells Team Bachelor. "I want forever." Sorry toots, but with this franchise, "forever" is usually just another dirty word.

After a brief stop in the Tealight Candle Thunderdome, where both Sean and Sharleen report that watching Clare cave to Juan Pablo was nothing short of "painful," it's time for Nikki's Last Chance Date. Hey blondie! So glad you decided to put on a shirt on for the occasion. (Ha ha ha -- good one, self.) Even funnier than my stupid joke? This statement from Nikki about what she wants to happen on this date: "Hopefully Juan Pablo can tell me he loves me." (Ha ha ha -- good one, annoying blonde pediatric nurse.) Not only does the Bachelor refuse to offer the l-word, he also reiterates Nelly's assertion that his idea of quality time is sitting on his butt and bathing in the glow of his flat-screen TV. "What's going to happen after this when you don't have private islands anymore?" wonders Nikki as the two of them recline on a secluded beach. No problem! "I have a bed, a TV, we can watch whatever -- movies, sports... I'll watch baseball too. I'll be doing that by myself, probably." Wow, talk about your happily ever afters. Who says hell is other people?

That night, Nikki dons a slightly unflattering white dress and welcomes Juan Pablo to her hotel room. "It's almost over," the nurse says to the Bachelor, with an air of expectation in her voice. She pauses and looks at him, waiting, but still he doesn't throw her the emotional rope she needs. Nikki drums her fingers on the Bachelor's knees and tries another angle: "I didn't think I was going to be this nervous tonight." Juan Pablo's all, Oh, you think you're nervous? Think about how nervous I am! And with that, he's out the door with a kiss and a casual, "See you tomorrow." Awww, don't cry, Nikki... Actually, go ahead and cry. I don't really have any comforting words for you.

NEXT: "Whoo! I'm glad I didn't pick her!"

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