Oh really, chica? Mama doesn’t think so. She asks Nikki to describe what she thinks a weekend with Juan Pablo would be like, and the nurse paints a picture of "loving family" activities like trips to the beach and game nights at home. Nelly listens patiently, then crumples up Nikki's sun-drenched mental image and tosses it over her shoulder. "You want I can tell you how it's going to be?" she responds. "Juan Pablo wake up, take him breakfast, okay? And stay at home watching TV with the family or with Camila, watching TV... That's it. He is very simple. You feel he is the kind of guy you want?" When Nikki says yes, Nelly asks again, "You're sure?"
By the time Rodolfo asks Nikki "how much, like, fighting... can you take?", a 10-piece color guard may as well be marching through the backyard twirling red flags bearing Juan Pablo's face stamped with a giant X. Seriously, the amount of effort this family is expending trying to warn these women away from the Bachelor is noble, and yet hilariously ineffective. "I feel so welcome into this family," gushes Nikki after her visit. "Everyone is so wonderful." Except, maybe, this Juan Pablo guy… who may not know that polygamy is illegal. Pondering his decision between Nikki and Clare, Juan Pablo muses, "Can I keep both?" Yes, woman in the audience, this really is going south fast. As is this live segment, which is painful. (But loving the bangs, Catherine.)
The first Last Chance Date takes place -- where else? -- on a helicopter, where Juan Pablo and Clare take in St. Lucia's emerald mountains and turquoise sea before landing on an expanse dubbed Commerette Point. For some reason, though, this landing happens without audio or cameras -- did the crew suddenly grasp the futility of their endeavor and throw themselves into the sea? -- and Juan Pablo uses this unrecorded time to whisper something in Clare's ear. "What I thought was going to be sweet, kind, loving words was not what came out of his mouth, and I'm shocked," she says. "He chose to tell me something that no woman wants to hear. That he doesn't know me, and some sexual thing, I don't even want to repeat it. It was insulting, it was offensive, and it just made me feel awful." (Smart money says it's something that rhymes with "I can't wait to pluck your grains out again"!)
Clare waits to confront him that night in her hotel room -- and she's still so angry she won't even give him a little besito at the door. Clare tries to get the Bachelor to repeat his dirty talk while the cameras are rolling, but he bobs and weaves -- "tell me, remind me" -- and then says she "got him wrong." What he really meant was that they don't know each other enough -- and just when you think his answers can't get more asinine, he assures Clare that he doesn't even need a physical relationship with his wife. Wait, so does he want to jump her bones or join the priesthood? Or maybe he's just trying to give Clare fair warning that she's not getting the final rose -- though his approach is about as humane as a doctor trying to remove someone's eye with a spork. "The parts that I know [about] Clare, I like," he tells her. "There's probably bunches of them that I don't like. I don't know... Maybe there are things you don't like about me that you don't know."
NEXT: Josh Krajcik does Juan Pablo's dirty work