Image credit: Robert Voets/CBS
GLOBE-TROTTERS Expert jugglers Kim and Nicky have baseball husbands at home and softballs in their shirts.
Let's run through the ranked racers after Leg 1…
1st team to finish: Tim and Marie, exes who right away warned us that "the second we get on each other's nerves, it's unbearable." Wow, what a perfect pair of people to sic on us every Sunday night. Marie is the clear villain here -- "Your opinion is usually a waste of time," she announced to her partner -- which, I mean, obviously is GROSS. She's nasty. But then there's Tim: "Your violence kind of turns me on."
Something in their relationship has prevented them from murdering each other. I'm just not sure gallivanting across borders and arguing over who gets to slurp down, like, sea monster kidneys from a bacteria-filled swamp is the best method of keeping it that way. Buckle up.
Marie is ruthless: After their paragliding partners had jumped off the cliff, she stole one of the taxis Jamal had called (for himself and Ashley -- Leo and Jamal have named Ally and Ashley as their "brides" by the way. Isn't that… not cute?) and got away, with only a softly muttered "Bitch." as punishment. The woman is unstoppable!
2nd place: Nicole and Travis, the "formidable couple" of ER doctors who should really know better than to not read the chart carefully. They're driven, smart, Spanish-speaking, and determined. A little boring so far. But hey, not everyone can live naked in a bathtub in the forest.
3rd place: Rowan and Shane, theater performers who've been touring a drag production called The Queens of Bingo for the past 10 years. We're all going to feel like we've seen it by…I'd say episode 6. They're wearing "Bingo" shirts and everything. Rowan yelled "BINGO!" as he flew off a mountain. "Sally Field in The Flying Nun ain't got nothin' on me, baby!" They'll be fun.
4th place: Chester and Ephraim, former NFL teammates who are very supportive of each other and keep saying "Come on, man!" They're perfectly pleasant so far and will clearly dominate any strength-based challenges. I love how Chester screamed he was "comfortable with my width!" after Ephraim said he looked like a Jeep during the paragliding Roadblock.
5th place: Nicky and Kim, "Baseball Wives" of players Chris Getz and David DeJesus. "We do have our own personalities!" Nicky insisted, which is a huge red flag that maybe they don't. Kim's genuine freaked-out reaction to paragliding and her struggle with the giant oars in the fish-collecting challenge did make her endearing, I thought. I'll be rooting for her as long as I can steer my eyes away from the perplexing softballs in her shirt. Whoops -- too late.
6th place: Ally and Ashley, L.A. Kings Ice Crew Girls. Does initiation to the ice crew involve paying for the exact same face? Help!
NEXT: I refuse to call them 'the Afghanimals' after this week. New nickname, stat!