'Survivor' recap: Double Trouble

I should be taking a stand one way or another on Jim referring to John as a “piece of s--- coward,” a “poor excuse of a man,” and a “f---ing piece of s--- nerd.” But I won’t. I should take a side after Whitney told the rock-phobic law student  “you disgust me.” But I choose not to. However there is one comment on which I will rule, and that comment belongs to Ozzy Lusth, who informed the camera that John’s flip-flop was all about self-preservation. “That’s how a wiener plays.” A what? A wiener? Who the hell still uses that word? Seriously, unless you have a dachshund or some sort of Oscar Mayer jingle obsession, there is absolutely no reason to be using the word wiener. Which is exactly why I am in complete support of it being used here. I don’t care if John was or was not being a wiener. It is not my concern. Nor is the alleged wiener’s wiener my concern either. However the fact that one person is calling another a wiener? Simply fantastic. Old-school put-downs are the best. I can only hope that this will lead to a flood of obsolete name-calling among the cast. Blockhead! Harpy! Knucklehead! Muckracker! Nincompoop! I hereby support all of those words and anyone who dares employ them.

Now that that’s settled, let’s get back to poor John and the barrage of insults heading his way as episode 9 of Survivor: South Pacific kicks off. I was very, very angry with John as well after he chose to join up with Upolu rather than risk pulling the dreaded colored rock. But not because that would make him a spineless backstabber.  I couldn’t care less about such matters. This game is about getting to the end and winning and doing whatever moves help you achieve that goal. My anger toward John was based more in what I saw as a major strategic blunder on his part. The bottom line is that John’s percentage chance of pulling a rock and thereby going to Redemption Island was 14%. But now his chance of winning by not pulling a rock is hovering somewhere around zero percent. If “you play to win the game,” as Jets coach Herman Edward once put it, then John played it wrong, plain and simple.

But Jim, Whitney, and Ozzy care not for numbers at this point. They feel angry and betrayed, and they’re letting John know about it. Continuing to act as John’s personal bodyguard, Brandon interrupts John and Ozzy’s chat. “I just wanted to make sure that nobody is being aggressive with him.” Brandon doesn’t like aggressive. Like when women get really aggressive in walking around in their bathing suits while on a beach, forcing him to aggressively drool all over his shirt which is aggressively covering his tattoos. Temptresses!

Ozzy can’t help but be amused by the situation, informing Brandon that “We’re not, like, gangsters out here, man.” Oh, but what if they were? I am officially petitioning the producers right here and right now to make season 25 Survivor: Fans vs. Gangstas. How awesome would that be? I can totally even picture a challenge. Probst: “Wanna know what your playing for? The winner of today’s challenge will receive an original UZI sub machine gun. It can fire 600 rounds per minute and could prove to be a real difference maker in this game. In addition, the winner of today’s challenge will get to choose two other tribe members…to be shot. Choose wisely, because they will be dead and therefore not only out of the game, but also unable to cast votes in the final Tribal Council.”

NEXT: To puke or not to puke? That is the question.