The gorilla and the lion. Both fearsome animals. The kind you don’t want to mess with under any circumstances. But the circumstances are now these, my friends. The gorilla and the lion are no longer content to sit back in their zoos and curse you from afar as you snap poorly zoomed photos from your cheap digital cameras. No, they are now protectors. And enforcers. You do something to the United States, you get the gorilla. You do something to the family, you get the lion. You do something to both the United States and the family? You get them both in the form of the most horrifically mutated beast never to appear on a Syfy channel Saturday-night movie: the GORILION! That's right! Gorilion! More fearsome than Mansquito. More powerful than Dinocroc. More high-budget than Sharktopus…although I suppose that's not saying much. Whatever you do, don’t piss off the wackjob in the droopy fuchsia underwear or he will summon the beast. For only he is its master. And only he can unleash it from his secret-agent secret lair, located somewhere between Lord Licorice and Gramma Nutt on the Candy Land game-board map in his mind. GORILION SHALL DESTROY YOU ALL!!! But until then, let's recap episode 2 of Survivor: Redemption Island, shall we?
The episode starts off in the aftermath of that first Loony Tunes Tribal Council. After being voted out, Francesca arrives at Redemption Island and says being there could be for the best. "I could still win Survivor," she tells the cameraman, who impressively does not immediately burst into laughter. Dude, sign that guy up as a Buckingham Palace guard. He's made of stone! Back at Ometepe, Phillip asks to talk to Boston Rob, it being somewhat of a miracle that he can talk, what with his dry-mouth condition and all. Phillip is worried that everyone must think he's a loose cannon — now, why would they think that? — so he pledges to Rob that "until I go to Redemption, you own my vote." And that, ladies and gentlemen, is music to Rob's ears. Not that Rob doesn’t recognize the risks of counting on someone so loopy. "I don’t know if he's delusional," says Rob. "I think he's a good-hearted guy. I do. Just might not all be there. Let it be a lesson to you. Government jobs — stressful."
The next day Phillip goes crab hunting, which, as far as I can tell, amounts to chucking various objects (spears, rocks) at the poor little critters. For some reason killing the innocent crabs reminds him of how much he loves his country. (Personally, it reminds me of the time back on Micronesia where I joked that such an occurrence "most likely wasn't the first time Parvati caught crabs," thereby enraging both Parvati's mom and —randomly — Peter Berg. I kid 'cause I love, Parv!) Then, out of nowhere, Phillip does something rather remarkable, morphing before our very eyes into Stuart Smalley. "I still love Phillip Sheppard," he says. "He's a good guy. And that's okay." Hey, remember that movie Stuart Saves His Family? Of course he saved them. THANKS TO THE LION!!!
NEXT: Boston Rob breaks up a budding showmance