If you want to perfectly sum up the entire season of Survivor: Redemption Island, you can basically do it in one very short and simple back-and-forth from last night's episode, and here it is:
NATALIE: "I'm scared."
BOSTON ROB: "Don’t be scared. All you have to do is do what I say."
I mean, that's basically it, right? Whether you love this season because of the strategic clinic put on by Boston Rob on how to control every single movement and thought of the entire tribe, or loathe this season because of the inability of anyone on Ometepe outside of Rob to offer even a shred of competition or initiative, that quote pretty much sums up the entire arc of the season and your feelings on it. As for my feelings, you'll have to keep reading till the end as I present my updated season-by-season rankings! And seeing how those rankings take up quite a bit of space, let’s get straight to the penultimate episode of Survivor: Redemption Island, shall we? We shall.
We start off at Murlonio as Ashley and Natalie celebrate being "the last girls standing." Quite an accomplishment, young ladies. You should be very proud of your subservience. Andrea was proud of it as well…until she ended up at Redemption Island, and look at her now. Now she's busy arguing with Matt about what kind of looks they've been giving each other. As far as I can make out, Andrea is calling Matt dirty and Matt is calling Andrea a dog. Although Andrea is going to be getting a bit dirty herself seeing as how Ralph is now making her sleep on the ground. His logic is that if it were his house, he would let her sleep in it, but it's not his house so he won't let her sleep in it. Honestly, I have no idea what the hell he's talking about. Let's just get to the duel.
Off to Redemption Island Arena we go as Andrea comes face-to-face with the people who just voted her out. She tells Probst that she finds it "shocking" that everyone looked her in the eye and lied to her. Because that was completely unlike what she did to Matt. She also says how "I really trusted people and opened up to people." Again, nothing at all like what she did to Matt. Not even close. (The double standards people hold on to when the game does not fall their way never cease to amaze me.)
This week's duel involves moving a handle through a maze, smashing a box to retrieve pieces, and then using those pieces to solve a puzzle. Whether you like the duel or not, the entire thing is worth it just to hear Probst tell the three men (and one woman) "All right, put your hand on your handle." Perhaps not as snicker-worthy as this season's other gem — "It’s like those balls are glued to his disc" — but still pretty damn great. (Yes, Probst, I have the mind of a 12-year-old delinquent.)
NEXT: Phillip has another meltdown over rice