'Survivor' recap: 'Making Me Mad Fuels My Fire'

I'd like to start things off by thanking John for filling in for me last week on the recap. I thought he did an absolutely bang up job. (It's actually mildly frightening how many people on the message boards actually thought it reallywas him who penned it. Speaking of which, can you even ''pen'' things anymore when 99.9% of all writing is now done on a keyboard? Just a thought.) In any event, this week's column is going to be a bit different, as we tackle in quick-hit fashion anything that warrants tackling and/or hitting. Two Tribal Councils! Two people voted off! So nice they had to do it twice! And away we go...

* I wrote last week about how I thought it was a dumb move to get rid of John before Dave, thereby risking alienating swing-vote Shambo, and I stand by that: It was simply too big a risk with too little a reward. That said, did you see how easy it was for Russell to do damage control right after Tribal Council, telling the Madam of Mulletville that he actually did her a favor by not cluing her in so that she wouldn't have to break her word to John? Holy crap! How gullible is this woman? Is there anything he could have told her that she wouldn't have believed?

Russell: ''Hey, Shambo. I heard that people in Samoa greet each other by rubbing their armpits together.''
Shambo: ''Oh, that's cool.''

Russell: ''Hey, Shambo, Did I ever tell you that I played the leprechaun in the major motion picture Leprechaun in The Hood? I wore a different hat, though.''
Shambo: ''I thought you looked familiar.''

Russell: ''Hey, Shambo. Did you know that Loverboy was actually one of the crappiest bands of all-time?''
Shambo: ''YOU TAKE THAT BACK, YOU SONOFABITCH!!!''

Okay, even Shambo has her limits, but here is the first rule of Survivor... Well, second rule, actually. The first rule of Survivor is to move to Los Angeles and hang out in bars a lot so you can get cast on the show. But the second rule is that if you aren't in on who's getting voted out, then you are simply not in. I'd like to think Shambo is playing dumb, but I fear she just may be dumb instead.

* BRETT SPEAKS!!!! Twice we saw Survivor: Samoa's resident phantom actually, like, talking and stuff. And not just talking, but kinda making moves and everything! He and Monica worked on both Jaison and Mick, telling them that their best chance was to get rid of Russell, who would beat them in the final. That's poppycock, of course, because this jury is shaping up to be perhaps almost as bitter as the one from All-Stars, and Jaison and Mick aren't the ones they're bitter at. Still, nice to see that Brett does, in fact, posses the capacity for speech. As I wrote in yesterday's Survivor: Samoa Odds Gallery, never has a competitor made it so far while being shown so little. No way he wins the million with the edit he's gotten.

* I love bowling as much as the next guy. One time as a kid when I got altitude sickness in Vail, I spent all day in bed at the hotel watching professional bowling on TV. (I was too stupid to realize the Adult Spice channel resided a mere two clicks away.) But watching Survivors bowl for immunity was about as exciting as...well, watching Survivors play bocce. At least Jeff Probst bothered to show up this time. Still, not my favorite challenge. Jaison won. Good for him.

* Why does Dave Ball get to be called Dave Ball all the time by Probst? We've seen Probst's preference for last names ("Savage") and nicknames ("Rhino") before, but rarely does he bust out the first name/surname deluxe platter combo. And while Dave seemingly went out of his way to insist his tribemates refer to him as Danger Dave Ball, if you want to be a true badass, shouldn't danger, ahem, be one's middle name?

NEXT PAGE: Another Brett sighting!

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