'Survivor' season premiere recap: Dim Pickin's

So Fang went to their first — but certainly not their last — tribal council, and things were not looking good for them...and I'm not just referring to Michelle's high definition acne. I was lucky enough to be there and let me say that Probst was a lot rougher on them than we saw on television. He really went after them for being so obviously rudderless. He even made fun of them for doing worse in the challenge than the press who "sit on their fat asses all day." (I wish! I can't even break 150 pounds!) He hammered them relentlessly about needing to pick a leader until G.C. finally agreed to take the title. A title he would keep for, oh, about two days. (I actually don't blame him. I would never want to be a tribe leader. Kiss of death. Although, come to think of it, maybe Ken should have agreed to be the leader. He'll take any kiss he can get.)

So Michelle, the last player picked, was the first sent home. And that's the end of our very first Survivor: Gabon TV watch. Thanks a lot for reading, everyone! I'll see you next week, and in the meantime make sure to....Huh? What's that? There's a whole other hour? I've already gone on for over 1,300 words! How much more can I say? Okay, we're going into lightning mode, people. Charlie kept crushing on Marcus. Marcus compared their relationship to an onion. Randy decided to sit back and watch his tribemates self-destruct. Fang painted their faces to help them at the next competition, which was a version of season 3's classic rock & roll challenge. It didn't help them. Kota won and sent Nick Lachey...I mean, Dan, to Exile Island, which is not even an island, so I don't understand why they're calling it that. Dan read the clue that told him to search across the lake, so Dan proceeded to search in the lake. In a truly bizarre scene, Fang went back to camp and celebrated the fact that they "didn't get slaughtered" in the challenge. (We're #2! We're #2!) They then convinced themselves that Dan had found the hidden immunity idol, so he dumped the contents of his bag out at tribal council to prove that he didn't. Perhaps as a result, they didn't dump him, and sent Gillian home instead. And there's hour 2 you!

Okay, folks, I promised you a few bonus treats at the end of the column, so here goes. First up is a video tour of the new tribal council set. What does Jeff Probst do when he snuffs my torch and I refuse to leave? Click on it below to find out. And here's something even cooler: The thing we love most about Probst here at EW is that he is so refreshingly candid. Seriously, most people in his position give you lame quotes that tell you nothing and offer no real opinion, but Probst always tells it like it is. And now he's going to be telling you right here on EW.com, thanks to a weekly post-episode blog in which he shares his opinions on what just went down. This week he has some really interesting thoughts on Marcus especially. (I think our host with the most might just be a little jealous!) Click on the link here to go check it out.

Okay, you've been waiting since May to share your Survivor comments. It's go time, people! Is Fang doomed? Does Corinne have a little bit of Joker face? And do we love or loathe Randy? Post away!

[Sorry, video not available]

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