Bad news, folks! Your faithful Survivor recapper, Dalton Ross, is still without power as a result of Hurricane Sandy, and he's unable to recap this week's episode of Survivor.
So you're stuck with me. Sorry about that. I'll admit, I'm no Dalton when it comes to Survivor lore — though I could crush him in box office trivia — but do try to go easy on me. I've endured three straight days of violent tweets from furious One Direction fans who really hated this article, so I'd rather not infuriate any other passionate fanbases, though Survivor fans do seem a whole lot more rational. I hope.
You know who gets even more riled up than crazy Directioners?
Carter (Yeah, right.) Jeff Kent, that's who. The former baseball pro just can't stand the idea of a veteran winning, or even playing, this game. Upon returning from Kalabaw's second tribal council in a row, Jeff confesses that he doesn't fully trust Penner. Yet his suspicion doesn't seem to motivated by any legitimate circumstance — he just sounds irked by the idea that Penner (and later in the episode, Skupin) gets to play for a second time. "Second chances? This is Survivor, not The Bachelorette," he whined. Well, that's not exactly what he said, but that's how it roughly translates into our special office language, EW-onics.
Fortunately for Jeff, he didn't have to keep worrying about Kalabaw dynamics for long because it was time for the merge! Tandang and Kalabaw, you are no longer. Pack up your beaches and let's go! As both teams scurried about their camps, grabbing tarps and water bottles, Malcolm slipped off into the forest to retrieve his buried "pirate treasure," a.k.a. his immunity idol. He wrapped it up in his flannel, which he then stowed in his bag.
And just like that, a new tribe was formed! The members of, uh, well, the mysteriously unnamed new tribe (did I miss that?) [Apparently, it's actually called Dangrayne. Thanks dramg for the tip!] shook hands, plunked themselves down on a picnic blanket to enjoy grapes, wine, bread, cheese, and salami, and randomly cheered about Jeff Kent's supposed motorcycle dealership. After that introduction, it was time to set up camp.
NEXT: Estrogen kicks in. Watch out!