I’ve already ranted and raved enough about how dumb everyone except Abi was during this auction, but why end my griping there? Especially when I have another beef with the auction that I need to get off my chest. Back in the day when they offered covered items, you didn’t know what you were going to get. It could be a cheeseburger. Or it could be partially formed duck embryos, known as balut. Could be booze. Or could be a glass of dirty water. Because my heart is black, there is little I savored more than watching some joker pluck down $300 just to be served something completely inedible. I fully acknowledge that makes me a horrible human being to take such delight at seeing an individual subjected to additional and unnecessary pain and misery, but what can I say? It made me laugh.
But now, in the kinder, gentler version of Survivor, all the covered items seem to range from awesome to…more awesome! What happened to the risk? The adventure? Where are the nasty local “delicacies” that make you want to hurl the second they are revealed? Instead, now everyone gets something scrumptious. I don’t know, maybe I just don’t like seeing people happy. But I’m guessing I am far from alone in this. Which is why I asked Jeff Probst about it in this week’s Q&A. And his answer reveals a bit of behind-the-scenes info on what we did not see at the auction, so make sure to check that out.
Also, before we move off the auction, I have to throw a red challenge flag on Mr. Michael Skupin. After paying $500 for wine and cheese and being asked by Malcolm if he was going to even drink the beverage, Mike replied, “I don’t know. I am not a drinker.” Well, let’s just say that I may have had an extended conversation with a certain former and current contestant at the Survivor 10 year anniversary party. And let’s just say I may remember that conversation a tad better than said former and current contestant. And let’s just say that may be because said former and current contestant was not exactly chugging down Shirley Temples on that fine evening. And let’s just say that said former and current contestant’s initials are not JP.
So it was not exactly surprising when Skupin did not pass his glass of wine over to a parched Jeff Probst, is all I’m getting at here. (Speaking of which, I miss the days when people like Tom Westman, Jan Gentry, and Jonny Fairplay got blatantly wasted on the show. A drunk-on-wine Probst would have been only the best thing ever. The entire scenario has already played out completely in my mind: “Hey, you wanna know what you’re playing for? Tough noogies, ‘cause I — hiccup! — ain’t gonna tell you. Oh, what the hell. I’ll tell you. You’re playing for…farts! Yeah — hiccup! — you heard me. Lots of smelly, stinky farts. And you know where they — hiccup! — come from? Your butt. Worth playing for? HEY, WHAT THE F--- ARE YOU LAUGHING AT, CARLTON?!? WHAT?!? YOUR NAME IS CARTER? WHATEVER, GO PLAY FOR SOME STINKY FARTS!”)
So, anyway, because everyone else was a big dummy, Abi spends her $500 on the mystery advantage, which is not a complete mystery seeing as how it is always some sort of help in the immunity challenge. Wow, Abi must be stoked and in a great mood when they return back to camp having that advantage in hand, right? Wrong. The Beast of Brazil lights into Penner and tells him that he should apologize to her “for destroying me at Tribal Council yesterday.” After being told that she should be more friendly and less confrontational with people for no reason whatsoever, Abi finally does apologize…for being “too honest.” That’s like being in a job interview and answering the old “What is your biggest flaw?” question with “I guess sometimes I just care too much and work too hard.” Yes, your biggest defect is that you are just too damn perfect, Abi. Brilliant. If the jury had been transported to the beach to witness this gem, RC’s entire face would have spontaneously combusted not unlike the drummer from Spinal Tap.
NEXT: Denise can’t decide whether to puke or not