Survivor recap: A Whole Lot of Boobs

Idiotic decisions are aplenty, as is discussion about Chelsea’s plastic surgery
Ep. 08 | Aired Apr 4, 2012

PLASTIC FANTASTIC Chelsea has no reason to be upset with her plastic surgeon

Robert Voets/CBS

Ouch. There goes poor Mike. Blindsided. Oh well. Guess I’ll go write my Survivor recap now. Let me just run to the fridge and grab a beer and we’ll be all set. Okay, opening the fridge now annnnnnnnd…WHAT?!? Where’s all my beer? And who has replaced my beloved Milwaukee’s Best with bottles of 7UP? What the hell? I’m not drinking that crap. I guess I’ll just sulk back to my living room and carry on without my beverage of choice. Okay, walking back to my living room now annnnnnd…WHAT?!? What the hell are you doing here?

Jeff Probst [sitting on couch]: “Come on in, guys!”

Dalton: “Ummm, there’s only one of me. And this is my living room, so yes, I think I will come in.”

Jeff Probst: “Feeling thirsty, Dalton?”

Dalton: “What? I don’t know. Maybe. That’s kind of a creepy question.”

Jeff Probst: “A little parched, perhaps? A tad dehydrated? A smidgeon cottonmouthed?”

Dalton: “How exactly did you get in here anyway?”

Jeff Probst: “You know what might help? A crisp, clean, refreshing 7UP. That’s right, 7UP — crisp and clean with no caffeine.”

Dalton: “Why are you talking like you’re trying to sell me something?”

Jeff Probst: “Be yourself. Be refreshing. Be 7UP.”

Dalton: “Wait, that doesn’t even make sense. Why would I want to be a carbonated beverage? That sounds like a horrible way to live.”

Jeff Probst: “You sure about that? Because I have an entire cooler filled with 7UP right here. It’s all for you. C’mon, Dalton — make 7UP yours.”

Dalton: “First off, STOP RECITING MARKETING SLOGANS! Besides, what happens if I don’t want the cooler?”

Jeff Probst: “Then I let Leif do a flip off it. He’ll jump off anything.”

Dalton: “I’m sorry, Jeff, but…” [phone rings] “Hold on one second.”

Jeff Probst: “Hey, no problem. Take the call. I’ll just relax here with my bottle of 7UP — it’s an Up thing.”

Dalton: “I said stop it!” [Answering phone] “Hello, Ross residence.”

Voice on phone: “7UP Retro, keepin’ it reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaal!”

Dalton: “Dee Snider? How did you get this number? And what’s with 7UP taking over all my favorite reality shows? First Celebrity Apprentice and now this? What’s next, going back in time to insert that disgusting beverage into Bands on the Run and Paradise Hotel?”

Dee Snider: [confused pause] “7UP Retro, keepin’ it reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaal!”

Dalton: “Is that all you can say? Fine.” [hangs up phone] “Jeff, you really have to get out of here too. I have to get started on the recap.”

Jeff Probst: “But don’t you want to know what you’re playing for?”

Dalton: “Yeah, yeah, 7UP. Got it, thanks. Don’t want it.”

Jeff Probst: “Then I got nothin’ for you. Head back to camp.”

Dalton: “THIS IS MY HOUSE!!!. Get the &%#* out of here, Probst!”

And he finally did, but only after showing me an array of Sprint smart phones and making me sit through a Gulliver’s Travels/Jack & Jill double feature. Now that that’s over, let’s recap this bastard!

It’s day 21 on the Tikiano tribe and Jay is worried about there actually not being a new Salani alliance. He tells Troyzan they need to get rid of a female next so that the men don’t go down one after the other, advice to which Troyzan will later pay no attention to whatsoever. “I don’t want to be overpowered by these girls,” says Jay. Well, then you should have thought about that before you voted off one of your men and gave them the majority! Whoops!

NEXT: Alicia and the Wedgie Slide of Doom

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