Johnny Weissmuller made 12 different Tarzan films between the years 1932-1948, including ones with incredible titles like Tarzan and the Leopard Woman, Tarzan’s New York Adventure, and — my personal favorite — Tarzan and the Mermaids. You never knew what kind of crazy hijinks Tarzan was going to get into back then. Whether hitting on some broad named Jane, hanging out with his chimpanzee BFF Cheeta, or adopting a son which he then thought would be hilarious to simply call “Boy,” Tarzan was the undisputed party animal of the jungle. The one thing I don’t remember him ever doing, however, was putting women’s panties on his head. Especially women’s panties WITH DRIED BLOOD ON THEM!!! (To be fair, Cheeta may have. That sassy little chimp was downright incorrigible!)
It’s weird. For a few minutes there during last night's episode of Survivor: One World I was actually thinking to myself, Maybe this 21st century Tarzan, Gregory Smith, knows what he’s doing after all. Maybe he’s just savvy and strategic enough to get to the end and offer a convincing argument as to why he should be rewarded with a million dollars. And then he put Kat’s bloody bikini bottoms on his head. That, coupled with him calling Alicia a bitch for beating him in the immunity challenge, and bragging at Tribal Council to the jury of men about getting rid of them (while also criticizing them for possibly not agreeing that the right people went out at the right time) made me realize that nope, Tarzan in fact had no idea what he was doing. Never did.
I said earlier that he pulled a Cochran — playing short term to stay a bit longer at the expense of having any chance of winning — but I realize that’s not an entirely accurate comparison, because the truth is that Tarzan stood no chance of winning no matter what he did nor whom he ended up with in the finals. He’s the dude who throws his poopy underwear around and puts bloody bikini bottoms on his face. The only jury that would award this guy a million dollars is a jury of microbes. But instead of parsing the ins and out of microbial biology, let’s zip through the Survivor: One World penultimate episode recap, for then we have some other business to attend to — namely, my updated Survivor season by season rankings. Where will One World fall? Well, the key word in that sentence is the very last one. Read on to find out!
The episode begins with the ladies reveling in the irony of Kat saying how much she loves blindsides…right before getting blindsided. Tarzan, meanwhile, says that the smart move would have been to get rid of him instead. He’s wrong, of course, because Kat actually could have pulled a few votes had she made the finals. Because she acts just like a dude — farting, belching, talking incessantly about wanting to get wasted — she may have gotten some dude votes.
Tarzan then gets to work to keep himself alive for even longer, telling Kim to take him to the final four and then vote him off so he can tell the jury to vote for her. Then Alicia comes up and he tells her the exact same thing. Just one problem: As we will see later, these ladies keep nothing to themselves. Anything you tell one of them immediately becomes public knowledge. Anyhow, Tarzan says if he doesn’t win, he won’t be able to buy shocks for his car. Sorry, but why does this guy keep bringing up his shocks? Last I looked shocks were, like, $40. Isn’t he a plastic surgeon? How bad a doctor is this guy anyway? Give me an address and I’ll send you some freakin’ shocks.
NEXT: Chelsea offers up her own definition of “fair”