'Survivor' recap: Recapping the Recap

The Episode Formerly Known as the Dreaded Survivor Recap has become more legit ever since, I believe, Tocantins, when producers realized they were sitting on a mountain of unused footage that would be far more interesting instead. Is it as satisfying as a regular episode? No, of course not, silly. Not even close. But it's miles better than what this dead space of a week used to be, and while I won't be geeky enough to offer a full-blown recap of the recap, I will point out a few interesting things we learned from this previously unaired footage.

YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD TO ARGUE…OR SPOON
Survivor producers actually did the impossible this episode: They managed to make the older tribe look even lamer and more dysfunctional than previously imaged. Straight upon hitting the beach, all the older men were arguing about how to build the shelter. Where do we put it? How do we build it? Who's the leader? Why won't Jimmy T shut up? (The best part about it? After all that, the shelter later collapsed in the middle of the night!) That's not say they weren't feelin' any love. Who knew that Jimmy Johnson and Tyrone made such great spooning partners? "I don't know about you, but I needed a cigarette when I woke up," said Tyrone. And I don’t know about you, but I now need about a case of Milwaukee's Best to completely purge the image of a spooning Jimmy Johnson from my mind.

FABIO IS A GIFT FROM THE REALITY TV GODS
Seriously, I could watch this guy injuring himself all day long. He's a walking, talking America's Funniest Home Video. At any minute you know some horrible — and hilarious — calamity is about to strike. In a space of about 30 seconds we saw him A) Rub hot chili peppers in his eye; B) Get attacked by a swarm of bees; C) Fall down a tree; D) Step on a thorn; E) Bump his head on the shelter; and F) Fall off a ledge. I will go on record as saying this just may be my favorite montage in Survivor history. Granted, Survivor doesn’t do a lot of montages, and when they do it's usually the lame "Fallen Comrades" tribute, but still, good stuff.

AWESOMELY ABSURD THEORIES ARE AWESOME
One way I amuse myself when I interview contestants before the game is asking them what sort of twist they think that maniac Mark Burnett is going to throw at them when the game starts. You get some pretty out-there theories that players have somehow convinced themselves are absolutely, positively going to happen. Which is why I thoroughly enjoyed watching Holly attempt to explain to Jimmy T how the producers were going to have the "city kids" merge with the older tribe, or how Holly and Jimmy would go to the younger tribe and the "country kids" would move over to Espada. The only way this could have been any dumber is if she had claimed they were going to redivide the tribes into breakdancers and non-breakdancers. Or divide people up by those who sink $1600 alligator shoes and those who don't sink $1600 alligator shoes. Or divide people up based on ethnicity…but they would never ever dare to do that. That would be crazy! Anyway, you know you're truly out there when Jimmy T is rolling his eyes at you.

IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE
You knew the second NaOnka called everyone stupid after burying the flour that the comment was going to come back to haunt her. Sure enough, after admitting she hid the food, NaOnka then couldn't even remember where she hid it. Classic stuff. Very Fabio-esque of her.

NEXT: Whoa! There are hidden gems in one Survivor's hair!

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