Survivor season premiere recap: Reign of Error

Survivor history is made, but for one player, it is the worst kind of history
Ep. 01 | Aired Feb 13, 2013

SMILES, EVERYONE, SMILES! It's not a fantasy -- they are back on the island.

Image Credit: Monty Brinton/CBS

Over at the Fans beach — the tribe is technically called Gota, but we won’t even bother with that designation unless the tribes get shuffled — the group is attempting to set a Survivor land speed record for fastest feud as Shamar and Matt disagree over whether it’s important to spend energy on fire or shelter. It’s kind of like one of those old Miller Light ads from the 1970s. Less filling! Tastes great! Less filling! Tastes great! They’re both right!

Shamar definitely seems like he’s overreacting, and that perception of him does not improve when we later see him just chillin’ while the others work on making the fire he deemed so vital. “I’m gonna be the marine who came in at the end and just smashed ‘em,” he tells us. But then he does! He smashes ‘em! Shamar and Michael actually make fire without flint — something we did not witness much of at all in early seasons, but have seen more and more of lately. Pretty impressive.

Later, we finally get some strategy. Two guys I don’t know (Reynold and Eddie…I think?) start to talk alliance. Then one of them (Reynold…maybe?) approaches a blonde girl (I’m going to go with Allie on this one) to make a secret final two alliance. The Contestant Suspected of Being Named Reynold says she’s a perfect alliance-mate because “She’s not the cutest,” which, of course, is exactly what every woman wants to hear about herself. What a charmer!

Then the most annoying double date in Survivor history continues as we see The Contestant I Am Relatively Confident is Named Eddie hanging out with yet another blonde at night. I know this one’s name is Hope. I know this because Eddie addresses her as Hope. Then again, he just met her so maybe he can’t remember her name either. “Me and Hope are the two best looking people here,” he informs us.  “And I’m not just saying that. That’s just the way it is.” Here’s also the way it is, Eddie: That is literally one of the most revolting comments I have ever heard in my life.  Seriously, is there a less attractive quality that rampant narcissism?

As everyone goes to sleep, Reynold and Allie get hot and heavy in the shelter — definitely petting, and probably making out as well, although I can never tell what’s going on with those night vision cameras that make you feel like you’re on a midnight safari spying on animals in the wild — which I suppose is kind of what we are doing here anyway. Glad to see Reynold is not too put off by her being “not the cutest.” Of course, she can’t be the cutest because evidently Eddie and Hope are the cutest. Sorry, Allie.

The next day we are treated to shots of the flirty foursome hanging out in the water together. “This is like the cool kid lunch table back in high school,” Eddie enlightens us. “Everybody wants to sit at the cool kid lunch table, but you got to work your way in. But I don’t think anybody else is going to be at our table.” Wow, is it possible to make a worse first impression on viewers? Well, here’s the thing, Eddie. The cool kids are usually not the smart kids. And I look at your group and I see four people. That, my friend, makes you a minority in a tribe of 10. The Shirtless Knucklehead alliance of One World made the same mistake and got wiped out. Math! It’s math, people! Maybe cool kids don’t like math.

The women on the outside of this group clearly see what’s going on so make a plan to group together and get rid of them, but Michael wants to check with his BFF Matt and see which way they should go. I like this move: carefully consider all your options alongside a person you really trust. I’m very curious to watch these two and see where their loyalties eventually turn.

NEXT: Phillip sends his errand boy…named Phillip

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