Back in sixth grade, I thought I was pretty hot stuff. I wore lots of brightly colored polo shirts and was the undisputed master of the freeze dance. Then, at one of the biggest social gatherings of the year — something called the Flower Mart, which sounds precisely as lame as it was — my girlfriend, Lely Constantinople, broke up with me. I think she wanted to date a dude named Ed Miller. I can’t really remember. All I know is that being dumped at the Flower Mart was about as humiliating as it got for a tween. But let me let you in on a little secret: I totally threw the relationship! That’s right, you heard me — I could have made Lely fall head over hells in love with me, and we would have become high school sweethearts, had babies (sometime after high school hopefully), grown old together, and prank called Ed Miller just for the hell of it. But no, I chose to let Lely break up with me instead. Honest!
Oh, and I’d like to talk about when I was played ice hockey on the Chevy Chase Club Pee-Wee squad — specifically that time I managed to score a goal…against my own team. Just so you know: full-on meant to do that. Sure! It was psychological warfare out there on the ice, you see, and I figured such a move would clearly psych out the other team and lead us to victory. One last thing: all the typos you are going to notice in this week’s Survivor recap. ON PURPOSE! Totally. Think of them as Easter eggs — how many can you find?
You all may laugh at Phillip Sheppard for claiming to throw the immunity challenge after he was bested by Reynold. Not me! Personally, I think it’s genius. Anytime you screw up at anything in life, just shrug your shoulders and say, “Meant to do it.” (Concocting an elaborate backstory as a federal agent is optional.) Remember: You can never fail as long as it is intentional. Now, let’s sit back with a big scoop of vanilla ice cream and get to this week’s recap.
The action begins as Bikal returns from voting off Duck Dynasty at Tribal Council. “I nearly peed myself,” says Julia. “That was the first time I’ve ever come close to wetting myself.” And this is the first time I’ve ever come close to caring about anything Julia has had to say. Although, in her defense, she hasn’t said a whole hell of a lot. Michael has to start sweating now that his biggest ally in the game is gone, but as long as he is gay, he’ll have an ally in Corinne. “Michael is not going home on my watch,” she informs us.
And now comes the part where the guy who walks around in pink underwear gets upset that Corinne has a thing about playing with gay players. “I want her gone,” Phillip tells Cochran, who does his best to explain why that is such a horrible idea, especially because the Favorites on the other tribe won’t trust them at the merge if they get rid of one of their own. Keeping Phillip and Corinne from strangling each other has become a full-time job for Cochran and Dawn.
NEXT: The return of a classic challenge