Survivor recap: Rage in the Cage

Shamar gets upset after Reynold uses the diving mask in the challenge. Actually, Shamar gets upset about pretty much everything.
Ep. 03 | Aired Feb 27, 2013

CAGED BEASTS The Favorites came out victors in the best Survivor challenge of the season

Monty Brinton/CBS

One person that would definitely not fit on the new Nerds tribe is Shamar. BECAUSE NERDS NEVER QUIT! Shamar, however, appears to be rapidly approaching Quitsville. “I can’t do this,” he tells Sherri. “This ain’t my kind of lifestyle.” Sherri feels like she can handle the former marine because “All I do is deal with snotty, teenage brats all day.” Later in the shelter, Shamar explains why he’s ready to throw in the proverbial towel: “My happiness is not worth a million,” he explains. “I’m not going to be the angry black man on Survivor. It’s not gonna happen.” Ummmm…I don’t know how to break this to you, Shamar, but that ship has sailed, my friend. Not only has it already happened pretty much nonstop since you first set foot on the beach, but it continues to happen every time you open your mouth. And it will be happening once again after the challenge and at Tribal Council. Just you wait and see.

Apparently, Sherri really does know how to deal with snotty, teenage brats because she somehow convinces Shamar to not quit out of some sense of loyalty. For his part, Reynold is incredulous: “He made himself a hero for unquitting the game of Survivor that 50,000 people would line up for days just to play. I don’t know. That’s no heroic movie in my book.” Congratulations, Reynold. That just might be the first awesome thing you’ve said this entire season. Stop feeling superior to the rest of your tribe and we’ll get along just fine.

Hold on a second…is that Phillip Sheppard over on the Favorites beach, or Magic Johnson? I can’t tell with all the sweet pretend crossover dribbling he’s busting out. And check out the form on that fake fadeaway jumper! “All air, baby!” boasts Phillip as he releases the imaginary basketball. So, in essence what Philip just told us is that he shot an air ball. I’m not sure on what playground an air ball is considered a good thing — inviting comparisons to Magic Johnson and Larry Bird — but it sounds like they may be grading on a curve over there. (I believe the phrase Phillip was searching for was “all net.”)

While Phillip continues his game of phony baloney one-on-one, Malcolm and Corinne go hunting for hidden immunity idols. Of course, this being Survivor, idols are about as hard to find as custom made Jeff Probst Survivor hats, and sure enough, Malcolm locates it, making it two seasons in a row for him. The excitement of uncovering an idol causes Corinne to straddle Malcolm a little too close to his Magic Johnson, if you know what I’m talking about. (His penis. I’m talking about Malcolm’s penis.)

As Cochran salivates over hot chicks in underwear, Andrea decides it’s time to extend her claws and get rid of another strong female. She wants Corinne gone and is willing to take Brandon in her place. Brandon agrees to join the alliance but is wary of being discarded like he was last time by Coach. And if he is, there will be repercussions. “I’ll pee in the rice,” he says. “I’ll pee in the beans. I’ll burn the shelter to the ground.” Okay, not to be a nitpicker, but if he pees all over everything, won’t all that moisture in the shelter make it more difficult to burn. Plus, isn’t it more badass to torch the place and then pee on it while it burns to the ground? Not so much pee as to douse the flames, mind you, but just enough to act as an exclamation point to the whole proceeding. See, this is precisely Brandon’s problem. He’s too impulsive. He’s not thinking these things out clearly! Burn first. Then pee.

NEXT: A puzzling lack of puzzles

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