Wow, another intense, confrontational episode of the unwieldy titled Survivor: Caramoan — Fans Vs. Favorites. Let’s get right to it! On second thought…that sounds like a lot of work. You know, typing and stuff. I actually think it makes more sense for me to stay in the shade of my homemade pillow fort and conserve my energy instead. And believe you me, I can stay in this pillow fort for the next 40 days if I want! Or at least 19 out of 24 hours for the next 40 days. (The wife would make me come out for showers, meal time, and to scoop the cat litter.) What, you say I have an obligation to readers to suck it up and get the recap done? You say I’m not puling my weight? You say that pillow forts are childish? WELL, LET IT BE CHILDISH! LET IT BE CHILDISH! LET IT BE CHILDISH! LET IT BE CHILDISH! LET IT BE CHILDISH! (I could keep repeating that all day. Or at least for the next 19 hours.)
Another reason for me not to get out of my pillow fort? Dehydration. My man Shamar is onto something with this. After all, in addition to the taxing exercise of striking a keyboard with my fingers repeatedly, there is the inevitable dehydration that comes with the downing of several beers in the process. I mean, why risk it, right? It’s just safer to stay in here, assuming the almost complete lack of oxygen doesn’t get me, that is. Wait, is that Brandon Hantz out there threatening to pee all over my pillow fort?!? Ugh! Fine! I’ll come out. But I haven’t even had a chance to yell “SHUT UP!” at anyone yet. Lame. Okay, fine, let’s recap this beyotch!
We begin with the Favorites returning from Tribal Council where they cemented their status as the meanest people on planet Earth by sending Francesca home first for the second time. “That’s the harshest thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” says Brandon. Dawn tells Brandon not to be mad, but he passed mad a long time ago. “I’m being vicious,” he informs her. “I’m a mother----ing honey badger, dude.” Dawn reacts the exact way she promised me she would not react — by crying. Tear-free season, Dawn? LIAR! If you were wearing pants right now they would be on fire! (Which, come to think of it, could work out okay if you could tear them off quick enough and add to the campfire for boiling water and stuff.)
But Brandon isn’t done by a longshot. “I’m feeling vengeful,” he tells his fellow immunity-give-awayer, Erik. “I’m thinking of going Russell Hantz style on these mother----ers right now!” (It’s unclear if “going Russell Hantz style” includes enduring shaving rashes under both armpits and sending out lots of drunken, profane tweets at all hours of the night.) “I honestly feel my uncle’s blood running through my body right now,” he continues. “It’s like the wave.” With this, Lil’ Hantz all of sudden morphs into Shabba Doo, turning the island into his own private Electric Boogaloo as he does a breakdancing wave motion beginning with his right hand, proceeding through his chest, and ending with his left arm. It’s actually a pretty decent move. I mean, I wouldn’t give him a solo dance with a broom outside of a convenience store just yet, but can you imagine, say, Cochran trying to bust that out? Although, in Cochran’s defense, he does already have the collar portion of the infamous Turbo dance on lockdown. He also has some pretty pimped out coral rock throne action going on as he delivers a confessional talking about how dangerous Brandon is in his unpredictability. How dangerous? Well, Cochran compares him to a “murderer”, so there you have it.
NEXT: Another challenge with Malcolm and Reynold throwing things