Survivor season finale recap: How To Lose A Million Dollars

Woo channels the ghost of Colby Donaldson, and hands away a million dollars to Tony in the process
Ep. 13 | Aired May 21, 2014

FEARSOME FOURSOME One of the people in this photo is getting closer to making a super costly blunder

CBS

So out come the mimosas and the fruits and breads, and eggs, and sausages, and all of that would be incredible if either of these knuckleheads knew how to cook. But Tony, still in game mode, is more concerned with a note he finds in the basket that says there is another surprise waiting for them. He neglects to tell Stealth Ninja Woo, I guess in the hopes that it is some sort of “Congratulations! You just won a free vote on the jury!” idol, but it’s not. Instead it is a mirror (which tells them both that they look gnarly) and a scale (which tells them both that they have lost around 20 pounds each).

So the final two make their way off the beach and to the final Tribal Council, but without burning down the camp. What the heck?!? You have to burn down the camp! Isn’t that in the Survivor by-laws or something? I always love that scene because I picture all the production assistants standing just off camera with an army of fire extinguishers ready to smother the blaze once the players depart so it does not spread and burn down the entire island.

We arrive at Tribal and the players…HOLY HELL, WHAT THE IN THE NAME OF VIDAL SASSOON HAPPENED TO KASS’ HAIR?!? It’s like the woman took a bath in a giant vat of conditioner and her wild mane has finally been unleashed! This also marks the final opportunity for Morgan to make every horndog’s dream come true by not covering every inch of her body in clothing while on the jury, but alas that sassy little minx continues to play hard to get.

The opening statements are short and sweet. Tony says he’s there to answer truthfully and it was never emotional and always strategy. He also thanks Woo for bringing him to the finals, which is a nice gesture. Woo once again brings up his Taekwondo codes of conduct and talks about his mom going through a heart transplant, which seems to be laying it on a bit thick to me, but maybe that’s just because I am a jaded naysayer. Then it is time for the juror comments/questions. A quick rundown:

SARAH
Sarah the cop takes Tony to task for their dissolution of their Blueblood alliance, and him swearing on his badge that he would never write her name down. (When will people realize that swearing on anything means absolutely nothing in this game?) She then asks Woo whom he would vote for if they switched places, and Woo says her. (Really? Is honesty not one of the codes of Taekwondo conduct?)

JEFRA
Jefra says “I’m not bitter” and then goes on to prove just how bitter she is by forcing Tony to admit he is a villain. “And the second you start giving me B.S. answers is the second I will start writing a W down so fast.” No, that doesn’t sound bitter at all. Tony answers this pointless exercise about as well as one could expect, not fully conceding nor fully refusing, saying he was half villain and half good player “doing strategic moves to save myself.” That sounds about right.

MORGAN
Okay, here it is, ladies and gentleman. The quote of the evening. Just take it in and soak in the effortless observational skills of Morgan McLeod: “I started out the game on the beauty tribe, which I found pretty fitting to being a young and attractive woman.” Wow. Incredible on so many levels. The logic. The lack of self-awareness. The brazen conceit. Classic stuff all around. But guess what? She isn’t done! Morgan follows this up by giving herself further props for knowing “how to keep a man in my back pocket” and then commends Tony for doing the same and for doing it “without even having breasts.” (Okay, she does have a point there.) Morgan then finishes up by complimenting Woo on his final move that is driving the rest of us completely cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. ““I respect that,” she tells him. “You chose a player that deserved to be here tonight over just a goat who may not be worthy.”

NEXT: Trish goes for the jugular


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