But wait…what’s that off in the distance? It’s a boat. Could it be Jeff Probst arriving with a tribe full of “Outcasts” ready to play their way back into the game? Could it be Tata the Horny Bushman looking for more hot chicks to mack on? (No luck here, Tata! Check the jury house.) Could it be a boatload of immunity idols for Tony to use into the final 2 and beyond, including, but not limited to, any and all future appearances on the program? None of the above! Instead, it is the loved ones. We thought we were going loved ones-less this season. We thought wrong. Look, there’s Kass’ husband! And Spencer’s sister! And Woo’s cousin! And Tony’s wife! Who looks suspiciously like a man! Is this the wife Tony keeps swearing on (in which case I can see why he hasn’t seemed too concerned about throwing her life around so willy nilly)?
For a second I thought we were going to have some sort of Jonny Fairplay dead grandma situation, but no, it turns out Tony’s wife Marissa wisely decided that leaving a 4-month-old baby back at home while her parents are halfway around the world starring on a reality television show may not exactly get them nominated for any parent of the year awards. So instead we get Arnold, who makes Tony feel like an even worse parent by telling him his baby is twice the size she was when he left. (Real nice job, Arnold!)
So after Woo dreams out loud about proposing to some chick named Christina Hamilton — “after getting permission from her mom and dad of course” — and after Kass tells her hubby that “I’m not a goat, I’m just hated” (ooooooookay), the final four and their loved ones walk away from camp all dramatic like, as if they are a local action news team in a TV promo. By the way, how awesome would these guys be as a local action news team?
Spencer as male anchor
“Good evening and welcome to Action News 9. Tonight’s top story: Local do-gooder Marcia Fiddlewick wants the city council to stop and think about putting in more stop signs. OH, COME ON! WHO WROTE THIS COPY? AND IF I HAVE TO DO ONE MORE GODDAMN STORY ABOUT MARICA F---ING FIDDLEWICK I AM GOING TO LOSE IT! MARCIA FIDDEWICK — ZERO PERCENT CHANCE OF GETTING THOSE NEW STOP SIGNS!”
Kass as female anchor
“In community news, First Lady Michelle Obama will be visiting town next month to promote her physical fitness themed Let’s Move campaign. She will be making appearances at the following locations… Actually, you know what? I’m not going to tell you. Yeah, I think I just won’t tell you. You know what they call this? Newscasting by ambush, people. Deal with it!”
Woo as weatherman
“Whoa, what up, dudes and dudettes? I know it looks like there’s a major rainstorm outside right now, but Tony tells me it’s actually abundant sunshine happening, and I know that sounds crazy, but hey, I just gotta go with my gut, and my gut tells me to trust Tony. So slap on that sunblock because it looks like a scorcher out there!”
Tony as sportscaster
“Well, my friend, let me tell you, the Spurs definitely beat the young lads on the Thunder in the Western Conference Finals the other night. Tim Duncan busted out some of his “special powers” that allowed him to score baskets even after the game had already ended, giving the Spurs 30 extra points! Or maybe he didn’t. I can neither confirm nor deny that he did that. Or that he has “special powers.” Although he totally does. Or does he? I’m not saying. But he does. I’m serious. I can show you the highlights! But after I show you the highlights I may tell you that those highlights did not actually exist. Oh, also, I’m really a construction worker. Back to you, Spencer!”
NEXT: Are the challenges too puzzle dependent?