Survivor recap: The Man Who Could Not Stand Still

Instead of being patient and following a laid out path to victory, Tony makes a bold move that could doom him in the end
Ep. 08 | Aired Apr 16, 2014

AND THE WINNER OF THE WORST SELF-APPOINTED SURVIVOR NICKNAME IS...The Opportunist!

Michael Yarish/CBS

When you have recapped well over 300 episodes of Survivor, a few things are bound to happen. The first is, you take stock of your life’s accomplishments and get SUPER depressed. The next thing that happens is you realize you need to mix it up from time to time. Sometimes, that means writing an entire recap as the infamous Jimmy T (still one of my favorite recaps ever and one of readers’ least favorites…perhaps I should have recognized that the last thing folks wanted to ingest was 3,000 words of meta-Jimmy T speak) or it means breaking format in other ways as I tend to do from time to time. But let’s be honest, my ”format” pretty much consists of random rambling and vaguely agitated strategic analysis, so it’s not like I’m really breaking away from anything of note anyhow.

All this is a longwinded way of explaining how I noticed that there were lots of notable quotes from the contestants of Survivor: Cagayan this week, so we will be relaying the action through those quotes and how they pertained to what else was happening on screen. So here we go with the 11 magical quotes and the stories behind them from this week’s episode of Survivor: Cagayan.

QUOTE #1: “When Jeff turned over that card and it said Tony, I probably pooped myself.” —Tony

Okay, first off, “probably”? You seriously don’t know whether you pooped yourself or not? I mean, I don’t personally make it a habit of soiling myself, but I imagine if I did, I’d be pretty aware of any and all activity going on south of the border. But this quote coming off of the events of the previous Tribal Council was important because it set the stage for ants-in-the-pants Tony to feel it necessary to make a big move. He was upset because he had received votes in each of the past two Tribal Councils. But what was so bizarre about this is that all those votes Tony was getting were from the minority alliance. As in WHO THE F--- CARES?!?

Tony was right when he said he took it as a compliment. He should. That means all those minority votes that should be eventually headed to the jury see him as the best player that needs to be gotten rid of. Those are jury votes FOR YOU just waiting to happen. So why get bummed out about them targeting you? Yet this seems to be what spurred Tony on to make the move that I fear will ultimately doom him in this game.

QUOTE #2: “Looking at LJ is like looking at myself in the mirror.” —Tony

Umm…what kind of mirror are we talking about here exactly? Like, a fun house mirror? Because if you are asking any old mirror, mirror on the wall, “Who’s the fairest of them all?” I’m not sure the answer is going to come back Tony. (Of course, the answer is not going to come back Dalton either so I don’t know what my damage is.)

But the point Tony was trying to make is not that he and LJ were twins — unless they were Twins of the Arnold Schwarzenegger/Danny DeVito variety — but rather that they were both great players. And because of that he needed to get rid of LJ to clear his own path to victory. And to clear that path, Tony used the most roundabout faulty voodoo logic I have ever heard in my entire life. Explaining that he didn’t want to be the bad guy and break his pinkie swear promise, Tony decided to trick LJ into breaking his promise to roll with the final 6 all the way. And how did he do this? By lying to LJ about Woo finding a hidden immunity idol. This entire line of logic is so convoluted and illogical that there is no point in even attempting to follow it to conclusion. Being a police officer, Tony knows all about entrapment, and this charge he tried to fabricate against LJ would not stand up in any court of law. Unless, of course, Kass was one of the defense lawyers involved, because she might just ask the judge to convict her client anyway. Trial by ambush!!!

NEXT: A parade of never-ending depressing LJ quotes about how swell Tony is

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