Survivor recap: The Legend of Boobs McGee

Morgan's only compelling reason for anyone to keep her around is by bragging about how terrible she is. It doesn't work.
Ep. 07 | Aired Apr 9, 2014

IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN On the other hand, Spencer did win two immunities and this impromptu wet t-shirt contest

Michael Yarish/CBS

Back at the tribe beach the losers lick their wounds, with Tony informing us that, “It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on,” which may or may not be another clue that Morgan is indeed peeing on the shelter floor. Meanwhile, Kass is still trying in vain to legitimize her flip: “What if I made a mistake? So what?” she says to no one in particular. So what? Well, you just guaranteed you won’t win the game, so there’s that. That’s a pretty big damn “what?” if you ask me.

Hey, here’s a tip for all future Survivor contestants. Looking to get a few extra seconds of air-time? Afraid you might live up to your last name of Bland with none of your confessional interviews ever seeing the light of day because you are so damn boring? Well, here’s a sure fire way to gain some screen time: just relentlessly praise any and all Survivor corporate sponsors and you are good to go. Why, just look at the winners of this episode’s Outback Steakhouse reward challenge. They know how to play ball.

Here’s Morgan: “It was honestly the best salad I’ve ever had! We went on to a full-loaded baked potato and the steak was just amazing!”

Check out LJ: “This is perfect!”

Don’t forget about Spencer: “The steak was the best thing I’d tasted probably ever!”

Why even Ms. Bland herself, Jefra, got in on the act: “This is the best day! Thank you, Survivor gods!” (Yes, even her effusive praise is boring.)

I can’t help but wonder if there is some sort of language in the product placement contract about exactly how many glowing testimonials are required for the sponsors to fork over their money. Of course, the most laughable glowing testimonial in the history of glowing testimonials has to be from Coach during the South Pacific season when he waxed eloquent on the joys of Adam Sandler’s Jack & Jill — quite possibly one of the worst movies of all-time. But not to Coach! “Jack & Jill — loved it!” said the heir to Roger Ebert’s throne. “I love Adam Sandler. Personally, I’m a fan. It was good because it was funny. But at the same time there was a message, and the message was — hey, family comes first.” (Of course, this flat-out lie by Coach about the merits of Jack & Jill still does not come close to matching his greatest moment of that season, when he reached into his famous book of quotes and pulled out this gem by Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius: “Some of the greatest inspiration is born of desperation.” Wow. Great quote. Only one problem: Marcus Aurelius never said it. Instead, that quote is actually from Jheri curl magnate Comer Cotrell. I guess Coach figured it sounded more dramatic coming from a Roman emperor than a dude who made his millions concocting a strawberry scented oil sheen for afros. And no, unlike Coach, I am not making this up. You figure someone with incredible flowing locks like Coach would be able to keep his haircare icons straight. But I digress.)

NEXT: Let the mad hidden immunity idol scramble begin!

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