Survivor recap: The Legend of Boobs McGee

Morgan's only compelling reason for anyone to keep her around is by bragging about how terrible she is. It doesn't work.
Ep. 07 | Aired Apr 9, 2014

IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN On the other hand, Spencer did win two immunities and this impromptu wet t-shirt contest

Michael Yarish/CBS

Well, there may be plenty of hurt feelings but I’m sure everyone will be nice and cheery in the morning, right? Wrong. Kass is now upset because Morgan refuses to lift a finger to help with anything around camp, so she equates her tribemate with “an old dog” who pees on the floor and just sits there. Now, I don’t really think that’s fair at all. Morgan doesn’t strike me as the type of person to pee on the floor. She’s more of a pee-on-the-fire-to-put-it-out-so-all-the-old-ugly-people-have-to-suffer type of gal. Of course, Morgan has a theory as to why Kass doesn’t like her. See if you can pick the actual quote out from the options below:

A. “She doesn’t like the fact that I don’t do any work at all around camp.”

B. “She thinks I am aloof and superficial. By the way, what does aloof mean?”

C. “She does not like it when I pee on the floor and just sit there.”

D. “She is a bitter, ugly, old lady. And I think she hates me because I’m cuter than her and have always been cuter than her.”

Well, clearly it is D. After all, imagine how infuriating it must be to have to play with someone who is cuter and always has been cuter than you. That is simply no way to live. Am I the only one having Survivor: Amazon flashbacks every time Morgan talks about how other older, less endowed women are so bitter and jealous of her appearance? It’s the Jaburu tribe all over again.

Okay, back to the game. It is time for the reward challenge and you know what that means! It means that this portion of today’s Survivor recap is brought to you by Outback Steakhouse! That’s right, throw on a little Men at Work and your favorite Crocodile Dundee movie because we are ready to bring a taste of the Australian Outback to America! Through the Philippines! Which makes no sense! But that’s okay because once you bite into one of our juicy Grade A steaks the only destination you will be feeling is…Heaven. Whether it’s our Bloomin’ Onion®, our Alice Springs Chicken Quesadillas®, or our world-famous Grilled Chicken on the Barbie®, Outback Steakhouse has all your taste buds covered. And why not wash it all down with our brand new Grilled Pineapple Rita®? So what if margaritas aren’t particularly Australian in the least? It’s a big fruity cup full of booze and our markup on it is 698% so DRINK THE F--- UP! Outback Steakhouse — serving our customers one Australian stereotype at a time.

So in case you hadn’t guessed yet, our contestants are playing for a feast from everyone’s favorite cultural wasteland of a chain restaurant. They are split into two teams that must go through obstacles in the water until they reach a chest. They must then drag that chest to the base of a tower, climb the tower and pull the chest up before two tribe members than solve a vertical puzzle. And I cannot believe the word "chest" was just used that many times while having nothing whatsoever to do with Morgan. It’s actually a pretty cool challenge for such awkward product placement. (At least they don’t have to carry around a big “Gulliver doll” like when they were playing for a Gulliver’s Travels screening back in Nicaragua.)

On the Orange team is Spencer, Jeremiah, Morgan, Jefra, and LJ, while the Purple team is comprised of Tony, Woo, Kass, Trish, and Tasha. It is a back and forth battle with teams trading the lead. Purple gets their chest up first, but then LJ and Spencer positively smoke Woo and Kass in the puzzle to claim victory.

NEXT: Rule #1 for getting more camera time

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