Survivor recap: Hit It Or Quit It?

Lindsey pulls herself from the game as a preemptive measure to stop herself from a confrontation with Trish. Or so she says.
Ep. 05 | Aired Mar 26, 2014

POLE POSITION The tribes jockeyed for the top spot in both challenges and back at the beach

Monty Brinton/CBS

Lindsey then does a simply remarkable job of showing her daughter how to properly escalate a situation. “You disgust me. Everything about you is annoying. Your laugh. Your teeth. Your face. Everything about you I cannot stand. So how about you just back off a little bit and shut up and not talk to me for a while.” (And that kids, is one to grow on.)

Next thing we know Lindsey has assumed the quitting position, moving away from the tribe like a wounded animal and explaining that “I am not going to stick around Trish’s mouth.” (????) But, of course, she cannot merely leave. First she has to have an intimate night-vision chat with Jeff Probst. We used to have fun back in our Survivor Talk days of parodying these Probst chats whenever a player would be injured or wanting to quit, but the fact is, they’re valuable in terms of giving the situation context and adding an official sign-off to the player’s part in the game.

For his part, Jeff seems understandably confused at first as to why Lindsey had called him out there just because she got into a verbal tiff with a tribemate. “What are you concerned that’s gonna happen?” he inquires. “I’m going to flip out on her,” comes the reply. I encourage you to read Jeff’s take on the situation in this week’s Q&A, but suffice it to say, he gives Lindsey more credit than I do. Most likely because he is a much better human being than I am and errs on the side of assuming that human beings are generally good people. My heart, on the other hand, is black.

So after saying that she wants to be the bigger person by going over and saying goodbye to her tribe — AND THEN NOT GOING OVER AND SAYING GOODBYE TO HER TRIBE! — Lindsey exits the game and Probst explains the situation to everyone. “That was a huge volatile zit waiting to pop,” says LJ, who is slightly enraging only because he looks like he has never had a zit in his entire life. Freakin’ Beauty tribe.

Reward challenge time! We’ve seen this challenge before and it falls under the category of simple but effective. Two players from opposing tribes hold an idol and try to knock the other pair's to the ground before theirs hits the surface. I dig this one because you get to see different strategies for how to go about the objective. Unfortunately, nobody uses my favorite one, which is to basically throw your idol as high up in the air as possible and then go full lunge at your opponent to flick his/hers downward — because it’s not the first idol to leave the hand, but rather the first one to hit the ground.

Aparri sits out Alexis and Kass, and after four rounds the score is tied 2-2 with Morgan vs. Tony up next. Clearly worried about his tribemate being hypnotized, LJ advises him to “Only look at her eyes, brother,” to which Probst concurs: “You’ll get sucked in” while reaching for his own nipples. Let’s just pause for the cause here for a second. There are many things I thought I would never see on Survivor, yet somehow made it onto national television: two people in a fire-making challenge not being able to make fire (Sundra and Becky in Cook Islands); the #SURVIVORBREAKDOWN hashtag; and a season with both a “Tarzan” and a “Troyzan.” Now add Jeff Probst getting to second base — WITH HIMSELF! — to that esteemed list. This scene is so preposterous and so ridiculous and so incredible that I can only assume that Probst said to someone in an editing bay somewhere, “Put that one in for Ross. He will absolutely lose his mind when he sees this and exaggerate by about 1000% percent what I actually did with my hands.” And I would like to thank Jeffrey Probst for that consideration.

NEXT: Sneaky Tony pulls another sneaky move

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