Survivor recap: Numbers Don't Lie, But People Do

The former Brawn folks have the advantage after a tribe switcheroo, unless someone jumps ship
Ep. 04 | Aired Mar 19, 2014

SURVIVE THIS! A tribe reshuffling forces the players to adapt and adjust their game — with some doing better than others


Let’s put these new tribes to the test in their first reward challenge. The rules are simple: One person for each team holds onto a pole for as long as possible while two people from the opposing tribe attempt to remove them and drag them across a finish line. First team to three points wins.

In round 1, Morgan and Sarah attack Lindsey while Trish and Jefra go for Tasha in what was probably brainstormed in a Survivor producer tent somewhere as “Heterosexual Male Fantasy #1.” Indeed, the girl-on-girl battle provides us with the most gratuitous Boobs McGee shot in the history of Boobs McGee, as the camera zooms in and peers straight down Morgan’s cleavage. I swear I could hear a Survivor cameraman high-fiving himself in his head as he captured this shot.

As psyched as the producers no doubt were, Survivor folks are still amateurs when it comes to this kind of stuff. See, as the recognized gold standard of reality TV, the Survivor producers have to attempt to maintain at least a modicum of class and decency. Big Brother, on the other hand? On that show this girl-on-girl bikini battle would have taken place in a giant bowl of Jell-O or self-tanning liquid. Big Brother has no problem putting a little shame in their game. Anyway, I have just been informed by my editor that they are called the Aparri tribe, and that they win the first round to go up 1-0.

For the next round, LJ and Trish have to remove Alexis while Spencer and Jeremiah have to…. Wait, it’s already over? Alexis was dragged across the finish line? Damn, that was fast. Okay, we’re all knotted up 1-1. Now, who’s ready for a little cop-on-cop violence? No more blueblood alliance as Tony drags Sarah across the line to give Solana the victory and all the sweets and breakfast delights that come with it. And we’ll get right to that reward feast after a brief word from our sponsors…

Confused about the latest dance craze that’s spreading across the nation like a particularly persistent STD? Having the sudden urge to rub foam #1 fingers back and forth across your genitalia? Think it would be cool to back that ass up onto a man wearing a black and white striped Beetlejuice costume? Then you need the hottest new how-to dance instructional video on the market today: “Trish Twerks!” “Trish Twerks” shows that the dance sensation of 2013 is not just for strippers and former Disney Channel stars anymore. Under the guidance of 48-year-old Trish Hegarty, you too can work it 'til you twerk it! Trish will demonstrate such patented moves as “The Drop & Shake,” “The Booty Spasm,” and — for experts only — “The Laughing Kegel.” And just listen to these celebrity testimonials!

“I’d like to see Trish twerk.” — satisfied customer LJ

“DON’T LET THAT FOOL YOU!” — certified twerkaholic Gervase Peterson

“Please stop twerking at Tribal Council.” —noted anti-twerking lobbyist and professional Fuddy-Duddy Jeff Probst

Order "Trish Twerks" now! Just call 1-800-TWERK-IT. In fact, if you order “Trish Twerks” in the next 15 minutes, we will also throw in a complimentary copy of Trish’s book “Why I Hate Lindsey” at no additional charge. ORDER NOW! We now return you to your regularly scheduled recap…

So as I was saying, the Salami tribe (or whatever they’re called) gets back to camp and enjoys their rewards. But the former Brawn members are not enjoying Trish. Cliff says he wishes she had gone to the other tribe, while Lindsey can’t even stand looking at her flirt and cackle with fellow Massachusettsian (is that even a word?) LJ. But this disdain they clearly feel and make little effort to disguise is what will ultimately doom them. The single most important thing when you make an alliance is to make sure every single person in that alliance feels valued and secure. You can never, ever let the person on the bottom of your alliance know they are the one on the bottom. Because then why the hell would they stay there? I’m not saying Cliff, Woo, and Lindsey have to become BFFs with the woman, but you have to make Trish feel that she is a part of the team and that you value her voice and her input. As far as we have seen this season, they have done none of that. So what did they expect?

NEXT: The Beauties turn on each other

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