Survivor recap: Numbers Don't Lie, But People Do

The former Brawn folks have the advantage after a tribe switcheroo, unless someone jumps ship
Ep. 04 | Aired Mar 19, 2014

SURVIVE THIS! A tribe reshuffling forces the players to adapt and adjust their game — with some doing better than others

CBS

Hold on a second. Just give me a moment to make sure I am absolutely clear on something: You mean I actually have to go and learn the real tribe names now?!? We can’t just continue to completely ignore them and pretend they don’t exist (much in the same way Jeff Probst has been completely ignoring them all season)? Now that Brains, Beauty, and Brawn are no more with the recent tribe reshuffling, we have to take a walk of shame and come crawling back to traditional tribe names like a cheating spouse who got caught up in the glitz and glamour of a naughty night in Vegas or something? Honestly, I don’t even know what the real tribe names are! Atari and Salami, I think? Or A Party and Zoe Saldana perhaps? Rastafari and Obama? I don’t know — something like that.

In past seasons I would make lame, half-hearted attempts to occasionally refer to tribes like the Fans, Favorites, Returning Players, Loved Ones, Young Men, Older Women (which has to be the most degrading tribe moniker off all time, especially considering half of those “Older Women” From Survivor: Panama were in their 30s) by their actual names, but this season, I didn’t even bother. After all, if Probst isn’t going to, I’m not. They were Brains. They were Brawn. And they were Beauty. That's what he called them, so that's what we called them. But much like Admiral Ackbar once warned us — “IT’S A TRAP!” And now I am left having no clue what the hell the actual two remaining tribe names are. So bear with me as I try to figure that out while we recap another intense, topsy-turvy episode of Survivor. (And stay tuned all the way to the end for some thoughts on the season as a whole and the never-ending newbies vs. returning players debate.)

We begin on night 11 after the Brains tribe — see! I have no idea what they are actually named! — has just voted out what has to be considered one of the all-around worst players in the history of the game, J’Tia. Their overall awfulness has truly been a marvel to behold, a statement which the tribe members themselves do not refute.  “We’re not the Brains tribe,” opines Kass. “We’re the Crap for Brains tribe. I mean, just a rolling logjam mess with a couple of nerds on top.” Okay, first off, we totally need a Crap for Brains tribe next season, just to see the expression of the players who are designated to be on that particular team. (Apparently, the exam to get into the Crap for Brains tribe will be administered by Alexis and involves ascertaining what role a rooster plays in the laying of eggs.)

But hey, anything can change in a single day in this game, and as evidence of that, just look at the set-up for the next reward challenge: only two poles! You know what that means — tribe shake-up time. This is incredible news for the Brains tribe, and even better news for me seeing as how my pick to win it all (Spencer) now actually has a chance in hell of taking home the loot. Probst orders everyone to drop their buffs and take a new covered buff, which they all then reveal at the same time to make up two new teams. And here’s how the new teams shake out.

Atari 2600 Tribe
Sarah
Spencer
Morgan
Kass
Tasha
Jeremiah
Alexis

Well, this seems like bad news for Sarah, as she was separated from her entire Brawn tribe. However, the way the numbers work, at least she has to potential to be a valuable swing vote…as long as the Beauty tribe folks don’t all crumble and turn on each other the second they hit the beach. (Insert tears of laughter here.)

Salami Tribe
Woo
Cliff
Trish
Jefra
LJ
Lindsay
Tony

Wow, the Brawn tribe has total numbers over the Beauty tribe. They will surely pick them off easy…so long as they all stick together and use their numbers advantage. (Insert tears of laughter here.)

NEXT: Wrestlemania: Survivor Edition

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