Survivor recap: Worst Tribe Ever?

The Brains tribe sinks to a new low, losing to a tribe that was trying to lose to them
Ep. 03 | Aired Mar 12, 2014

BRAINIACS OR LAMEIACS? Yes, they lost again. TWICE!

Monty Brinton/CBS

After LJ uses dinosaurs as proof that the egg came before the chicken (???), Jeremiah twists the rooster’s head off, leading to involuntary chicken spasms before death, and Alexis’ query of “So chickens don’t need a brain to function?” (P.S. Dan Snierson appears to be avoiding my calls at this time.) Meanwhile, Morgan says that Jeremiah is dumb, a liar, and, worst of all, not beautiful — which really has no bearing on anything but seemed worth including just because it is so spectacularly superficial that there is no way it could not be noted. How dare you not be beautiful, Jeremiah?!?

The next few minutes make me so furious that I hesitate to even recount them for fear of breaking my keyboard in disgust (like I’m actually strong enough to break a keyboard — who am I kidding?). It’s basically just lots of shots of Sarah convincing everyone how important it is to throw the challenge because “We cannot risk merging into two tribes and having Cliff here.” First off, this makes absolutely zero sense. Forget for a second that Sarah is operating under completely false information fed to her by Tony. Let’s say that Cliff did want her out first. That doesn’t mean that Cliff would flip from his tribe to get her out. It just means if they had to vote someone out from their tribe pre-merge, it would be her. Again, this 411 is not even accurate, but if it were, it would still not be grounds for willingly giving up numbers. Especially when you are the tribe with the best numbers!

See, I’m getting mad again! I warned you! Anyway, we get to said challenge and Probst doesn’t even bother to welcome people in, which I guess seems a bit on the rude side. But seeing as how they are all dry yet standing on docks, I guess they were boated in and that doesn’t exactly fit the spirit of “Come on in, guys!” so they just skipped the whole intro thing. But good news! We’re getting back in — and under — the water, as each tribe will have to dive down and release five buoys (at various depths) which they then need to throw basketball style into a basket to win. Brawn sits out Tony and Lindsey while Beauty sits out Alexis so she can spend more valuable time contemplating how eggs are made.

We’ve already established how Sarah and Trish try their damndest to lose, refusing to collect any buoys, even at shallow depths. But they have a few problems. Problem #1: Woo is actually trying. Problem #2: Former NBA All-Star Cliff Robinson will be shooting the baskets, And problem #3: The Brains tribe is #%*$@*& terrible. And J’Tia is — shocker! — the worst of the worst. Not only is she incapable of retrieving a buoy submerged only three feet, but she then has to paddle backwards to even get back to her dock. And forget it when she is trying to get the missed balls back to Spencer for shooting. This causes Spencer to engage in a few full-body convulsions of frustration and enables Brawn to come back from a 2-0 deficit to take second place after Beauty. I believe this quote from Sarah pretty accurately sums everything up: “Dude, we tried so hard to blow that challenge. Seriously, brains tribe I tried to help you out, but that team sucked! They deserve to lose after that. That’s all I can say.”

NEXT: The pros and cons of J’Tia and Spencer

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