Survivor recap: Worst Tribe Ever?

The Brains tribe sinks to a new low, losing to a tribe that was trying to lose to them
Ep. 03 | Aired Mar 12, 2014

BRAINIACS OR LAMEIACS? Yes, they lost again. TWICE!

Monty Brinton/CBS

“I know it sounds stupid getting rid of numbers, but…” —Sarah

NO! You stop right there, woman! There is no but! When it comes to throwing a challenge, the only but in this scenario is your butt which needs to be kicked for even contemplating such a move. Lord knows I have an epic list of things that infuriate me while watching Survivor: There are people who are too chicken to pull rocks after a tie vote, thereby dooming themselves in the game (howdy, Cochran!). There are people who insist on bringing their best buddy on reward with them, leaving the more vulnerable folks back to scheme without and against them. There is the fact that we no longer have a final 2. There are people who go around bragging about their hidden immunity idols. There are women who refuse to wear knee socks. There are episodes when I have no beer in the fridge. Atrocities! The whole lot of them! But throwing a challenge has to be the absolute worst.

No, strike that. Throwing a challenge because you bought into a blatant lie by a guy that just admitted he had been lying to your face for six days — that is the absolute worst. And I liked Sarah sooooo much. She seemed so smart and intuitive back in week one, But I cannot, and I will not, root for anyone that tried to get her tribe to throw a challenge. I don’t know if I will go full-on Shark Tank Mr. Wonderful “You’re dead to me!” mode, but I am super duper disappointed in Sarah right now. And I don’t throw around the term “super duper” lightly. (Mostly because it makes me sound like an idiot.)

But here’s the craziest thing of all: Even though 50% of the competing Brawns tribe (Sarah and Trish) did everything within their power to lose this immunity challenge, they still couldn’t do it. That’s right, a Brawns tribe that was actively attempting to lose still defeated a Brains tribe that was fighting for their collective life. THAT’S HOW AWFUL THIS BRAINS TRIBE IS! I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anything like it. I mean, unless the Brains tribe misunderstood the challenge instructions from Jeff Probst and thought they were competing against Ulong and Matsing for the title of Worst Tribe Ever, then this has to go down as one of the lamest performances of all-time. Again, because I believe this bears repeating: THE BRAWN TRIBE WAS TRYING TO LET THEM WIN! AND THEY STILL LOST!!! That’s roughly the equivalent of someone going out of their way to purposely write the most random and rambling Survivor recap possible, only to discover that some loser on EW.com who actually thought he was being relatively concise still clocked in at over 3000 words.… Oh, never mind. Strike this entire intro. Let’s just pretend all of this never happened and recap week number 3 of Survivor: Cagayan from the juicy top — and no, that is not a Morgan reference.

Speaking of Boobs McGee, Morgan is very upset after watching the cutest member of the Beauty tribe (Brice, according to Brice) be tossed aside. But then she goes and actually does something very smart. She calls Jeremiah out in front of the entire tribe, asking him “What changed your mind?” and then lying to Alexis and Jefra by saying Jeremiah was on a mission to get LJ out. Look, I’ve had some fun at Morgan’s expense and maybe I’ve been a bit over the top (heavy)…sorry, couldn’t resist…but let’s face it, I am recapping a show in which producers have looked for every opportunity possible to showcase her humungous bosoms as much as possible. Heck, the only thing missing from last week’s challenge in which the tribe was tossing water right at Morgan’s breasts was a '70s porn soundtrack. However, I liked the way she covered her tracks while being caught searching for the idol, and I like the way she plants little seeds of distrust here. Will it work? Probably not. But it’s definitely worth a shot. The fact is, Morgan has a little bit of game in her. Maybe not a lot. But a little.

NEXT: Little LJ takes a big beating

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