Survivor recap: Cops 'R' Us

Sarah makes a blue blood alliance with fellow police office Tony. But can she trust him? (NO!)
Ep. 02 | Aired Mar 5, 2014

A FLUID SITUATION The Brawn tribe once again kicked Beauty and Brain butt in the challenge.

Monty Brinton/CBS

Over on the Brawn tribe, Tony finally realizes he missed a golden opportunity on day 1 to form a cop alliance with Sarah so he fesses up, waiving all of his Miranda Rights and offering a full confession as to his real profession. Sarah is proud of her “copdar”, which apparently is kinda like gaydar, but for cops. Now, don’t ask me what you call it when you are trying to ascertain whether someone is a gay cop or not. Maybe there is no word for that at all and you just hold up a picture of the policeman from the Village People.

In any event, while Sarah should be commended for figuring out Tony was a member of the fuzz, her reaction to his confession is somewhat odd. Instead of being wary upon discovering that a dude on her tribe has been lying to her face for six days, Sarah says this news has made them instant allies! Showcasing an intuition that is a bad as her first one was good, Sarah proclaims that their alliance handshake “was the most sincere handshake you’ll ever have in your entire life.” Exactly whose hands has this woman been shaking? The entire Hantz family? Did she attempt to take part in Hands Across America but mistakenly end up in Hantz Across America instead? (By the way, Hands Across America really is the great overlooked random-celerity-endorsed charity cause of the 1980s. What other charity drive trotted out C-3PO, Father Guido Sarducci, as well as Crockett and Tubbs? I rest my case.) The duo also come up with lots of goofy nicknames for their alliance, because apparently every Survivor alliance now has to have a catchy Big Brother-like alliance name so the people within said alliance can feel more important than they really are.

Exhibit A for why Sarah should not trust Tony occurs when…well, actually Exhibit A occurred back when he lied and said he wasn’t a cop. But Exhibit B occurs when Tony makes up some phony baloney about overhearing a conversation of Cliff telling Lindsey that he wants to get rid of Sarah. Dangerous game Tony is playing here, because if Sarah doesn’t buy it, he’s putting his own neck under the guillotine. However, Tony seems to be on the outs already, and if this move is one that can both break up the four-person voting block of Cliff, Woo, Lindsey, and Sarah, while also creating a new trio of him, Trish, and Sarah, then it just may be worth the risk.

But why bother ourselves with boring strategy speak when we can just sit back, crack a Milwaukee’s Best, and watch people suffer for our enjoyment? How bad your actual survival experience is on Survivor really is a luck of the draw. Gabon was 70 degrees and dry every single day, while Samoa was a constant downpour. The four seasons staged in the Philippines illustrate how the most important factor is not necessarily where you are, but when you are. Survivor: Philippines was a nightmare of epic proportions with constant downpours that even sent yours truly to the medical department to treat my rashed, waterlogged feet. Survivor: Caramoan, which aired in the exact same location just a bit later, was much more hospitable. The Blood vs. Water season shocked many returning players like Aras in terms of how easy it was to live out in the elements, while Cagayan (which, once again, was filmed in the same location a few weeks after Blood vs. Water ended) so far has been positively brutal.

NEXT: Idol here, idol there, idol, idol everywhere

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