Survivor recap: Cops 'R' Us

Sarah makes a blue blood alliance with fellow police office Tony. But can she trust him? (NO!)
Ep. 02 | Aired Mar 5, 2014

A FLUID SITUATION The Brawn tribe once again kicked Beauty and Brain butt in the challenge.

Monty Brinton/CBS

I’ve been on jury duty the past week. Got picked for a trial and everything. And it’s my own damn fault. Because if you want to, there is a guaranteed way to get out of it. Before you are put on a jury you are asked a whole bunch of questions to prove you are not, in fact, a complete raging lunatic. Literally, some of the questions are like, “Are you a complete raging lunatic?” But one of the other questions goes along the lines of this: Do you think testimony from a police officer should be trusted more, less, or the same as any other testimony? All you have to do is say “more” or “less” and you are freakin’ out of there. By answering thusly, it shows you cannot be impartial. I always tell myself to use this as my get-out-of-court-free card, but when the time comes, I never go through with it because I get this annoying feeling deep in my gut. (Apparently, it is something called a ”conscience.”)

Those days are over. Now, when asked that question, I can respond “less” and not even think twice about it. And I owe all my future jury duty freedom to Tony Vlachos. Seriously, have you ever seen a less trustworthy person in your entire life? First he lies about being a cop…TO ANOTHER COP! FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER! Then he realizes what a bonehead move that was, so he comes clean to the other cop…but then lies to her about everything else! He tells her they have a Cops ‘R’ Us pact till the end. He tells her they have a “blue blood alliance,” which either means they are both police officers or both really enjoy Friday evening CBS procedural dramas. He tells her Cliff wants to get rid of her when Cliff clearly cannot see anything outside of his own blossoming bromance with Woo. He’s also constantly sneaking around to grab hidden immunity idol clues or hidden immunity idols themselves, and constructed something ridiculous he called his “Spy Shack,” which no doubt has Q from Her Majesty’s Secret Service hanging his head somewhere in complete disgust.

Add it all up and Tony’s entire Survivor season so far has been all about deception. Now, I don’t particularly have a problem with that (even if the first lie was moronic and the Spy Shack looks about as effective as hiding under one of the Brawn tribe’s new comfort blankets — “Nothing to see here. Ignore the huge bump under the blankie!”). And, of course, I am aware that one cop does not a whole police force make. And, of course, I am also aware that Tony might be completely 100% on the level in his day-to-day work (although I do find his claim that he jumps “roof-to-roof” to be a bit…ahem…questionable). However, all that said, I am totally going to use this guy as my new excuse to game the system. Judging from what I have seen of Tony so far, he’d want me to. Jersey strong, baby! Okay, let’s recap this bad boy from the very top.

We begin with the Brains tribe returning from their shocking Tribal Council. Spencer congratulates the others on their blindside while Tasha says that J’Tia would have been kicked to the curb instead had Garrett not insisted on staging his own personal mock Tribal Council. Take note, future Survivor contestants: On the list of egregious strategic moves, tossing out your tribe’s food supply is not as bad as telling someone you are voting them out. Spencer is in trouble now as an all-female alliance has been established…at least until J’Tia goes and decides to burn the tribe’s tarp for giggles.

NEXT: When it rains, it pours

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