Um…I’m sorry, but what the hell was that?
Ugh! Tony, for the last time I told you that you may not under any circumstances read this week’s Survivor recap out loud in the voice of a llama. I’m sorry but that is simply non-negotiable.
Just…just stop it. I can see you peeking out of your Spy Shack, for crissakes.
“No, I swear it isn’t me. I swear on my wife, my baby, my mom, my dead dad, Tata the bushman, the ghost of Charles Nelson Reilly, Teddy Ruxpin, 10 boxes of Cookie Crisp — and I’m talking about the Cookie Crisp with the original wizard mascot, not any of this crook, dog, or wolf mascot B.S. — and I swear on anyone else that has ever stepped foot on planet Earth, or, as I like to call it, Planet Tony.”
What do you mean you swear it’s not you? I see you. And I hear you. So it’s clearly you.
“Not true. Not true because you see, my friend, I have an immunity idol with special powers. It’s just one of the many items from my Bag of Tricks™. And this special idol provides me with immunity from anything of my choosing, like, say, being caught reading ‘Survivor’ recaps in the voice of a llama. And that’s not all this special idol does. One of its other powers is the ability to tell people all about how many idols I have. I have two, by the way. Or is it zero? Or is it 37? I will tell you everything and nothing. I will also tell you I am a construction worker while simultaneously sharing stories of my life as a Jersey City police officer. How do I do it? SPECIAL IDOL, BABY!”
Look, I don’t really understand any of that, much in the same way I do not understand why Jeff Probst insists on looking at his feet whenever he tells people to “Come on in, guys!” But can you just promise to stop talking like a llama for the remainder of this recap? Because not only do I need to get through this episode but I also have to give my updated Survivor season-by-season rankings so we can find out where Survivor: Cagayan falls.
“I swear on my wife, my baby, my mom, my dead dad…”
Okay, that’s enough out of you. Let’s get going on another topsy-turvy episode of Survivor: Cagayan and then see where the season falls in my updated rankings! The tribe returns from Tribal Council after Tasha’s ouster and Spencer wants an explanation as to why Woo and Kass ditched him after making the final 3 deal. “I’m almost definitely the next to go,” he tells us. “But if I have any hope in the game it is that I am playing with people that understand it so little.” Now, that’s not fair. I mean, Woo at least knows he’s playing a game. True, he may be under the impression that game is called “Spin Basketballs In Front of Filipino School Kids,” but it’s a game nonetheless.
Actually, the game Woo thinks he’s playing seems to be called “Divulge As Much Information As Possible And Believe Absolutely Everything Everyone Tells You.” He confesses to Tony about the reward feast plans to oust him last week, and the scene generally moves the Jersey cop, who goes on to tell us how absolutely fantastic Woo is and how “It tears me up that I’m going to have to blindside him.” I’m not sure why you want to blindside the one person that has done absolutely nothing in the entire game to convince people to give him the money, unless you are pretty sure that the people voting on that money are suffering from a severe case of BJS (Bitter Jury Syndrome). But if they are, then Tony has lost to everyone already anyway…well, everyone except Kass, who could be the first person in the history of Survivor to get negative votes. (How is it possible to get negative votes? I have no idea. Go ask Tyler Perry. He can probably figure something out to make that happen.)
NEXT: Muddying the situation