Survivor season finale recap: The Right Person Won

By scoring two hidden idols, the last two challenge victories, and the biggest move of the game, Tyson owned 'Survivor: Blood vs. Water.' And was rewarded for it.
Ep. 14 | Aired Dec 15, 2013

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET TYSON A LONGER BATHING SUIT? I do like the sneakers, though.

CBS

The scene back at camp is déjà vu all over again as the majority decides whom to vote out from the minority, the minority attempts to flip Monica, and Monica tells us about how this moment is all 100% about her. Again, we are given a reason as to why Monica may flip — in this case, Gervase putting his hands on Monica’s shoulders when they can’t agree who should be voted out. He wants Ciera out. She wants Tina out. But since “the cards are all in Monica's hand” and “it’s my moment” and “tonight’s it’s my call” and “I’m gonna say who goes home,” that clearly means it must be Tina, right?

WRONG! It’s Ciera! What the hell? If you were so insistent on Tina leaving, yet are instead getting rid of who Gervase wanted to get rid of, how in any way, shape, or form is this your call? That whole scenario is almost as confusing as Hayden’s new mustache! And almost as disturbing as Gervase handling Tyson’s crotch idol. Turns out Gervase didn’t need it, so Tyson could have in fact saved it and given it to Rachael. Or sent it to Monica’s kids. Or put it back in his crotch. Or put it back in his crotch and made Rachel go and get it. Whatever, I don’t want to know. Sorry I brought it up.

After a beautiful sunset seemingly only appreciated by the remaining women, we are off to our final immunity challenge. Of course, to get there they will have to burn the names of their fallen comrades they met on the field of battle and defeated along the way…Ummmm, I SAAAAIIIIIIDDDDD they will have to burn the names of their fallen comrades they met on the field of battle and defeated along the way. Hello? Anyone there? Cue the Rites of Passage. REPEAT: CUE THE RITES OF PASSAGE!

What? No tribute to the Fallen Comrades? As the guy that has spent more time mocking the Fallen Comrades tribute than perhaps anyone on earth, I do have to admit I get a bit sad when we don’t get the opportunity to watch players wax poetic about contestants they either barley knew or cared out. Like what the hell would these four have to say about John Cody? They never played a single day with him. They never even played a single day with his loved one! Poor Fallen Comrades tribute. You really can’t win, can you? If you happen, I mock you. If you don’t happen, I mourn the fact that I cannot mock you. [NOTE: They always film the Rites of Passage/Fallen Comrades segment, but now don’t necessarily air it every season, especially when Redemption Island is around. So somewhere in a CBS vault there is footage of Gervase being super-awkward trying to think of something deep to say about Laura Boneham. It exists. We must find it. Hopefully CBS has posted it on their website and saved us the trouble.]

Also, let’s just pause for the cause for a second to note that not only did this season not feature the Fallen Comrades tribute, but it also did not feature a Survivor food auction (where contestants invariably waste money on cheeseburgers and donuts instead of an advantage in the next challenge), a car challenge (which basically never happens anymore), a forced reward screening of a super crappy Hollywood movie (no Adam Sandler in drag this tine!), or a loved ones challenge (for obvious reasons). It should be noted that this is really an observation more than a complaint.

NEXT: Tina comes so close, but not close enough


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