Survivor season premiere recap: Twistapalooza

Rupert makes a controversial decision as Survivor: Blood vs. Water kicks off with more twists than a Chubby Checker song
Ep. 01 | Aired Sep 18, 2013

A WATERED DOWN RUPERT? The big fella made a big strategic blunder when he traded places with his wife at Redemption Island, possibly dooming them both.

Monty Brinton/CBS

Over at Tadhana, Brad — excuse me, "Culpepper" — is still upset about the bonehead comment he made at the opening about not going all out against his wife’s tribe at a challenge, so he decides to make up for it by doing some homoerotic bathing in a local waterfall with John. He then decides to unleash his master plan for tribal domination  — a sausage party alliance. “We’ve got five guys right now,” Culpepper tells John. “We got four guys and a gay guy.” (Is that somehow different from simply five guys? In Brad’s mind, does the gay guy only count as half a guy or something? Judging by a later explanation to the camera, math can be a little confusing at times in the Culpepper household. Sounds like it's time to sue the NFL again!)

Next up, it’s time to play a game of Who Has a More Screwed Up Past?! Our first contestant is…Ciera Eastin! Turns out Ciera was impregnated in high school and became a teen mom. She then got pregnant again by a different dude and married the second baby daddy. Oooooooh, that’s gonna be tough to beat. Let’s now meet contestant number two…Vytas Baskauskas! Vytas was a full-on heroin junkie and got to the point where he “dropped out of college, was living on the street and robbing people every day to get my fix.” BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! He also spent a year in prison at the L.A. County jail. And now, let’s meet our third and final contestant…Brad “Culpepper” Culpepper! Brad…um, was an All-American college football player and…er, made tons of money playing in the NFL for nine seasons and…uh, married a hot babe and is pretty much set for life. WHO THE HELL LET BRAD CULPEPPER INTO THIS GAME?

While all the sob stories may be going on over at Tadhana, the actual sobbing is taking place at Galang thanks to Colton, who starts weeping for reasons that are a little unclear. I guess he misses his fiancé Caleb. That’s sweet. But he’s Colton, so everyone else just looks at him as if they are very confused.

Hey, I wonder what BFFs Candice and Rupert are up to over on Redemption Island. Let’s go take a look, shall we? Candice has found a fantastic way to get out her aggression, calling out the names of the people who voted her out while swinging a big machete into a coconut. I wonder if she feels any better about her main man Rupert. “Living with Rupert is extremely annoying to say the least.” I guess not! Candice complains that she does all the work while Rupert just sleeps and wades in the water (“It’s infuriating actually”), while Rupert says he has never won an individual immunity challenge because he always overworks himself. Sounds like a perfect marriage.

Speaking of challenges, let’s head to the season’s first immunity contest. But before that can begin, the newbies must lie and say they have fire. I love when people spew totally pointless lies on this show, like make up a fake profession when they don’t have to and claim to have things at camp they don’t have. What’s the advantage in lying here? Is that supposed to intimidate the returnees or something? Totally unnecessary.

NEXT: Gervase ≠ Aquaman

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