Survivor season premiere recap: Twistapalooza

Rupert makes a controversial decision as Survivor: Blood vs. Water kicks off with more twists than a Chubby Checker song
Ep. 01 | Aired Sep 18, 2013

A WATERED DOWN RUPERT? The big fella made a big strategic blunder when he traded places with his wife at Redemption Island, possibly dooming them both.

Monty Brinton/CBS

In the end, Candice is voted off the tribe, which no doubt had as much to due with the fact that she arrived just 24 hours before the game began as anything else. As previously mentioned, RC and her dad were pulled from the game due to his blood pressure (you can hear Probst talking all about it right here) so producers flew Candice and husband John out from Washington D.C. last minute. They weren’t even there when we began doing our pre-game interviews, arriving at the very end of the day. They means they were more of an unknown than anyone else, and in this game, an unknown is a danger. While the newbies probably didn’t want to sacrifice John’s strength, the returnees were more than happy to ship Candice off, having no clue where she stood in this game. There’s no doubt she came into this game at a severe disadvantage due to her late arrival.

Clearly on a mission to break the land speed record for most twists per second, Probst then throws out another doozy: Redemption Island is back! And then he throws out another: If either of the loved ones of the people just voted out want to change places with their spouse, they can. Rupert doesn’t even wait for Probst to finish so he can take his wife’s spot, but the host stops him: “Let me tell you the consequences.” Probst explains that if Rupert chooses to go to Redemption, then Laura will join the tribe of retuning players. No offense to Laura, but that is a CLEAR downgrade for Galang. “Oh, Rupert, don’t,” pleads Tina. Silly Tina, don’t worry about it, Rupert would never do something that stupid. After all, he then gets his entire tribe pissed at him, puts himself in a position to potentially be the first one out, and puts his wife on at tribe that will then most likely want to get rid of her at the first opportunity because she is an outsider. So then they’re both screwed. It just makes no sense. No way that he…. Oh, never mind. He just did it.

“I was really ticked when Rupert switched with Laura,” Tina tells us later. “Right off the bat he weakens our tribe.” You should be ticked, Tina. You know who else is ticked? Candice! Candice told me in our pre-game chat that she hates Rupert. And now — because her husband has a brain and won’t swap places because he doesn’t want to get his entire tribe pissed at him and then vote his wife out there as well — she is stuck with him at Redemption Island. I smell a sitcom: Beauty & The Boneham!

So off to the tribe beaches we finally go and…oh, well, will you look at that. My recap partner Gervase Peterson has finally caught up. If you want to call it that. Aras is actually carrying Gervase on his back to get him back up to speed, but whatever. Hey, Gervase!

“DON’T LET THAT FOOL YOU!”

Sorry? Don’t let what fool me, Gervase? The fact that you could not keep up with my recap? Which is kind of amazing considering how many tangents I go on that go absolutely nowhere. I mean, a semi-proficient doggie paddle would have been enough to keep pace with me.

“DON’T LET THAT FOOL YOU!"

Again, I’m not really sure what you’re taking about here. Are you misquoting The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again?” Or perhaps the incredible old King Cobra malt liquor jingle “Don’t Let The Smooth Taste Fool Ya” (starring Fred “The Hammer” Williamson)? Not trying to be rude, but I’m not quite understanding in what capacity I was actually fooled.

“DON’T LET THAT FOOL YOU! DON’T LET THAT FOOL YOU!”

So, are you trying to imply that you were faking your lack of endurance as some sort of trick or ploy for no reason whatsoever? Because that seems to be what you’re implying.

“DON’T LET THAT FOOL YOU!”

Okay, we’re done here. Let’s move on, people.

We start out at the Galang beach, where instead of having Rupert around to go and catch fish, the returning players get to watch Laura not know how to cut open a coconut. “I so wish your husband was here right now, Laura,” says Aras in probably the most unintentionally mean thing he has ever said in his entire life. But Aras should be super-stoked that Tyson is around, because even though Tyson’s girlfriend has no idea what he is talking about, the man can make a fire — even without flint. To quote Darth Vader, the dark lord of the Sith: impressive, most impressive.

NEXT: Candice + Rupert = Awkward Living Situation

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