Folks, before we begin, I’d just like to say thanks. Here we are on season 27 — yes, 27! — of a reality series that nobody anticipated lasting past about season 3. A fad, a trend, a flash in the pan — Survivor was accused of being all of these things…and much worse, actually. But here it still is. And here we still are. We have become our own community bound by debates and discussion about strategy, inanity, and everything in between. It’s good to be a Survivor fan. Season 27, still going strong. Keep in mind, some other shows are not so lucky. And so we should take a moment to consider all those poor souls still trying to find some semblance of excitement in programs such as The X Factor. Please bless those souls who are unfortunate un…I mean, please bless those souls who are un as fortunate as we are. Wait, that’s not right, either. What I meant to say is, please bless those souls that are misfortunate than we are. There, that’s it. No? That’s not it? Less fortunate, you say? Ugh! Stop confusing me with your “words” and their “meanings.” Talking is hard!
Oh, I shouldn’t be so mean to poor Kat, especially considering she has so far gone this entire season without once uttering the word “MARGARITAS!!!” or farting on someone. That, my friends, is the definition of progress. So let’s progress ourselves through this masterful segue into recapping episode 6 of Survivor: Blood vs. Water.
We begin with Zero Dark Thirty night-vision cam as Aras worries both about angering people that may end up back in the game, and being seen as the ringleader of the tribe. This was one of my arguments against voting Laura M. out last week (although I also presented several arguments in support of the move). And sure enough, the next morning we see Tyson telling Gervase that the time to get rid of Aras (who was my episode 1 pick to win it all) may be near. Tyson wants to use a bunny, a top hat, and a smoke bomb to make Aras disappear, at least I assume that what he’s getting at by professing his love of magic. (Either that or he’s chapter president of the Doug Henning Appreciation Society. Moto: Doug Henning — Magic at its miscoolest…oops, we mean, uncoolest.)
Next we head to Redemption Arena, where not only is magic in the air, but so is ESP! (Is that the same thing? I honestly don’t know. I don’t believe in either because I am not ridiculous.) Ciera sees that her mom was voted out and claims “all day I had a really weird feeling. I just kinda knew.” Jeffrey Probst immediately consults his tarot cards, turns on his neon Fortune Teller sign and then asks, “Does that surprise you, Laura, that she may have felt some kind of energy?” “Not at all,” responds Laura. Ugh, all this talk about premonitions and energy and hocus pocus is simply absurd. Why can’t they knock this all off and devote their time to more important things — like, say, tracking Big Foot, who we all clearly saw get away after his slow-motion battle royale with the Six Million Dollar Man.
NEXT: Brad Culpepper morphs into William Wordsworth