After Colton claims he didn’t know what he had in One World (bacterial infection, maybe?), and then Tina explains that his problem this time is that nobody wanted to play his game, Probst interjects once more. “Is that how it goes, Colton? If things don’t go your way, let’s just stop?” Quick, someone get an extinguisher, because, ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Probst is ON FIRE!!!
And he’s still not done. “I am now convinced that Colton is the guy who never should have gotten up off the couch. We brought a quitter back and we got a quit again.” Of everything Probst says in this entire scene, this is probably the most interesting. To me, this reads like one long mental note to everyone — including himself — involved in casting this show. He is actually taking some of the blame off of Colton, and putting it on themselves for letting him back on the show in the first place (or, second place, as it were). Consider it a case of “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” If someone already quit once, why would you expect them to do any differently the next time around?
Probst’s admonishment causes Colton to go seek solace in the lap of his fiancée, who — shockingly — seems like a totally awesome dude. You almost want to shake Caleb at times and yell, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? RUN! RUN LIKE THE WIND!” But the heart wants what the heart wants, and Probst’s heart right now wants Colton gone. “You can keep your buff,” he informs the now two-time quitter. “I won’t give it the honor of throwing that in the urn. We’ll keep that reserved for people that compete.”
DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMN! And somewhere, as he watches this all go down on his television set, a single tear rolls down Osten Taylor’s face. (Look it up, kids.)
We needed this. As viewers, we’ve been screaming through our TV screens for two seasons at this guy. Had Probst not given him the business on the way out, it would have been super frustrating. In a sense, Probst became our voice in that moment. He aired our frustrations at someone having two opportunities to play the game we know and love, and then voluntarily throwing them both away when the going got a little tough. I can only imagine the anger of all of you who have applied over and over to be on this show, only to see this guy waste two such chances.
In the interest of fairness, it should be pointed out that you often see people at their worst when on Survivor. And I’m not talking about the lack of showers and growth of unwanted body hair, although that can certainly be pretty gnarly. I’m talking about the fact that people are cold, wet, hungry, and living with others they might otherwise do their best to avoid. I can’t speak to Colton outside of the game because I have only spoken to him for about 15 minutes in such a setting. So while it may be unfair, we have no option but to judge them on what we see. And what we saw for two seasons from Colton was pretty damn ugly. Oh, and Caleb? One last thing: “RUN! RUN LIKE THE WIND!”
Okay, now let’s get to some other odds and ends from the episode:
• Before we completely move off Colton, has there ever been a Survivor contestant who flossed his teeth more than Mr. Cumbie? Every single shot of him by the shelter featured him sticking something in between his chompers. I mean, I guess I’m impressed with his dedication to personal hygiene, but it does seem a bit over the top.
NEXT: Look who’s crying now!