Image credit: Timothy Kuratek/CBS
SWIMMING WITH SHARKS And this shark definitely bites.
Here’s what John should have done. He should have immediately gone to his Sausage Party alliance and said, “Bros — may I call you bros? — I am going to find the idol and have figured out the best way to use it to protect our alliance. I am going to hold onto it so that way we have a safeguard if there is a tribe-swap and they put a few of us over with some of the returning players. That way, if we are either even or outnumbered, we can play the idol and use it to gain a numbers advantage to take out the returnees to keep our numbers in tact. This way, the idol will be used for all of us.”
All I know is, if somebody tells me that, I am all in. I make sure that guy and that idol stay safe so we have an ace in the hole should the tribe swap happen. But did John do that? No. Which is why people now are starting to get paranoid about if he has it and what he plans to do with it. Cody! You blew it, man! You may have your astronaut good looks and effortless charm, but you need to listen to me when it comes to strategy! Me or someone with the last name of Baskausas. They seem to know what they’re doing.
Speaking of which, Vytas has an interesting strategy. What’s a way to make the other team weaker even if they win? By voting off a weak member of your own tribe in the hopes that their stronger loved one will take their place. It’s brilliant, actually. Vytas says they should get rid of Rachel so that maybe Tyson will pull a Rupert and swap-in. Of course, John wants no part of this plan since Tyson is a strong challenge competitor and could send his wife home. How hard will he push against it?
While we're on the subject of pushing, Colton wants to push his whole tribe over a cliff because they are all being so damn…nice. HOW DARE THEY?!?!? All this kumbaya talk is making Colton positively irate. In fact, he’s so irate he’s even splashing his own face with water. He then goes on a Cumbie rampage — which, by the way, sounds like the least threatening rampage ever — lying to everyone about what everyone else is saying about them. He then instigates some bizarre face-off between Tina and Kat, before telling us that, “I hope we get to the immunity challenge tomorrow and get slaughtered,” while also somehow greenlighting another entry into the Chevy Chase–Beverly D’Angelo film franchise.
All this does is serve to unite the entire tribe against him. “He is a gay Russell Hantz,” says Aras, immediately setting of a burst of inappropriate tweeting from @RussellHantz on Colton’s lack of qualifications to be mentioned in the same breath as him. A new five-person alliance is formed with Aras, Gervase, Tina, Monica, and Tyson. (Well, Colton, you wanted strategizing and action? You got it!)
Challenge time! I know a little about this one since I was able to perform it myself during a test run, making me neither the first nor the last man to find himself strapped to a sweaty Parvati Shallow (who was also there as a member of the press for TVGN). I would like to mention that being strapped to Parvati Shallow did…ahem, climax…with a victory, but in truth the challenge was not one of the most epic ones I’ve ever got to partake in while on location. I was bummed we didn’t get to do the first challenge out in the water where I could have really strutted my Aquaman stuff. Instead I just kinda rolled a barrel along. And yes, I realize I am complaining about being in bondage alongside Parvati Shallow and yes, I realize what a ridiculous complaint that sounds like. Anyway, moving on…
NEXT: The shortest Tribal Council in the history of Tribal Councils