Image credit: Timothy Kuratek/CBS
SWIMMING WITH SHARKS And this shark definitely bites.
The episode — not unlike this recap — then FINALLY begins as we see poor Marissa arriving at Redemption Island. Apparently, I was not the only one that was perturbed by the proliferation of frowny faces on the votes as Marissa seems annoyed by it as well. The person most responsible for her ouster — Brad — will also join the growing anti-frowny face chorus, although Brad manages to do it in a much more misogynist-sounding way than Marissa or I ever could. In any event, I think we can all agree — the frowny face movement needs to be crushed no matter what the cost.
Over at Galang, the tribe members seem to be spending their downtime reenacting a crucial scene from The Human Centipede. (They claim it is a group-massage line, but we all know that is merely a gateway drug to full human centipede action.) However, Colton wants no part of any of it. The big group love-in is simply bumming him out. “I came to play Survivor,” he stews. “I didn’t come to play Red Rover.” Okay, nobody — and I mean NOBODY — disses Red Rover! Do you know how badass Red Rover is? You’re basically running full steam at a line of people and crashing into their arms as hard as you can. I once suffered a very bruised — repeat: very bruised — arm once playing Red Rover and spent several hours with an ice pack affixed to my elbow. Red Rover is hardcore, dude! In fact, I don’t know why challenge producer John Kirhoffer has yet to institute a full-on Red Rover Survivor challenge. I mean, we’ve had variations on freaking bowling and darts. Why not bust out a little Red Rover? It’s basically just one big “Attack Zone,” which for you Survivor historians dates back to Survivor: Thailand and the first time contestants were basically allowed to bet the crap out of each other in a challenge. (And now visions of Robb strangling Clay are dancing through my head.)
In any event, Colton is done pretending to be Mr. Nice Guy. He then attempts to rent out a fleet of Greyhound buses and throw every single member of his tribe under them, but Aras and Gervase shut it down. “I don’t believe any of that talk,” Aras says. Colton can’t believe nobody will strategize with him, but perhaps that has something to do with the fact that he is Colton.
While Colton is busy dueling with his tribe, we have an actual duel about to go down at Redemption Island. (That is if you can overlook the fact that a duel is, by definition, a contest between only two people. Details, details...) One of my problems with Redemption Island when it was first around is that you didn’t even need to win to stay alive. You just needed to not lose. They changed that when they brought it back for Survivor: South Pacific, admitting that the group duel concept was less dramatic and moving to one-on-one contests instead. So I can’t for the life of me figure out why they went back to these three-person contests here. But they did. So that’s that.
In Redemption Island 3.0, everyone from every tribe now gets to go watch the duel. After both tribes enter the “arena” Marissa proceeds to stare down the people who voted her out and inform Gervase she was kicked to the proverbial curb due to his DeSean Jackson-type taunting, telling him that he rubbed salt in their wounds. “I’m gonna rub some more,” he responds, clearly not getting the message. “I promise you that.” Gervase is offered the opportunity to swap places with his niece, but as Jeff Probst predicted when I spoke to him after the first Tribal Council, he laughs in the face of said offer as if he just defeated it in a challenge.
NEXT: Rupert gets eliminated without ever having a vote cast against him