Survivor recap: Seeing Red (Rover)

Colton is irate about everyone else playing so nice, so tries his best to stir the pot. SHOCKER!
Ep. 02 | Aired Sep 25, 2013

SWIMMING WITH SHARKS And this shark definitely bites.

Timothy Kuratek/CBS

Welcome back for another week of fun in the sun with the 20 suckers contestants of Survivor: Blood vs. Water. But first, an exciting announcement! After years of watching Jeff Probst shill for Charmin and Sprint and Home Depot, I figured to myself, hey, I should get some sponsorship for this here ‘Survivor’ recap as well. I mean, why should Probst and Mark Burnett get all the spoils? In any event, I finally nabbed our first ever sponsor! I used my Time Warner connections to sign up Warner Bros. Pictures as our first ever Survivor recap advertiser, so just sit tight for this super quick movie trailer and then we’ll be off and running on episode 2 of Survivor: Blood Vs. Water.

First, they brought folly to Wally World. Then they delivered new world hijinks to old world Europe. They decked the halls with mischief for Christmas, and then gave new meaning to the word “craps” in Vegas. Now, the Griswolds are back and firing up the Family Truckster one last time for…‘National Lampoon’s Horrible Vacation’! Where do you go after punching a moose in the nose and brutally murdering Aunt Edna’s dog? To the land of hilarity, that’s where! Chevy Chase is back as Clark Griswold, and this time he’s taking the family to the one place they’ve never been — a deserted island! You’ll chuckle as Ellen swears off clothing, leading to more pixelating than you ever thought humanly possible! You’ll guffaw as Rusty and Audrey make a pact to vote off poor Cousin Eddie and all of his Hamburger Helper. You’ll gasp when Clark gives away his hidden immunity idol to a hot model in a red Ferrari! Warner Bros. Pictures proudly presents a Harold Ramis film — ‘National Lampoon’s Horrible Vacation’. The only thing that will be voted off of THIS island is a gut…because you’ll be busting it with laughter! (This film is not yet rated.)

Okay, now that our little business is complete, let’s get right to it. Episode 2 of Survivor: Blood Vs. Water starts off with the longest, most confusing “Previously on…” segment you’ve ever seen in your entire life as Jeff Probst attempts to succinctly explain all 384 twists that occurred in the premiere. I don’t now how anyone who missed the first episode was able to make heads or tails of this “previously on…” segment. In case you missed it, it went a little something like this:

“Previously on… [dramatic pause]…’Survivor’! Ten former ‘Survivor’ players returned with their loved ones, but as the game began, they were split apart into two different tribes. Then, both tribes were forced to vote someone out immediately. The returning players voted off Candice while the tribe of newbies said goodbye to Rupert’s wife Laura. But then the tribes were shocked to learn that Redemption Island was back in play! And then they were shocked to learn that the loved ones of the people that had been voted out could take their place. To do so, they were required to stand on one foot while patting their head and rubbing their tummy and reciting the Gettysburg Address. But then, the other tribe could veto the Redemption Island swap-out if they could all simultaneously perform the “Macarena” dance while successfully naming the correct batting order of the opening day lineup for the 1954 Chicago Cubs. HOWEVER, this veto to the swap-out to the person that was voted out to go to Redemption Island could ALSO be voided should someone on the original tribe that was trying the swap-out find access to a hidden time machine placed somewhere on the island that would take them back to the ‘Survivor: Nicaragua’ season where they could then steal the Medallion of Power, return it to the present, and then watch the entire universe implode upon itself. Twenty players are left. Who will be voted out tonight?”

NEXT: Colton practices his super bitchy face

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