Free at last! Free at last! By the Force Almighty, they’re…not free at last. Actually, Star Wars: The Clone Wars left us dangling on a bit of a midseason cliffhanger with “Slaves of the Republic.” That’s right, my Padawan readers, this was our last trip to that Galaxy Far, Far Away until January, aside from Spike TV marathons of the movies and obsessive viewings of The Star Wars Holiday Special on YouTube. Rather than serving up any festive celebration of Life Day, though, “Slaves of the Republic” was one of the darkest, grimmest, most disturbing episodes the Clone Wars has ever given us, marked by some shocking scenes of mass murder and suicide.
As our episode opened, Anakin, Obi-Wan, Ahsoka, and Cody flew their commandeered slave ship back to Zygerria, in search of the missing Togruta colonists. The planet was crawling with fleshmongers looking to sell, buy, or trade slaves. Apparently the Zygerrians were following that all important entry in the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, “War is good for business.” And cousin, business was a boomin’. “Whatever is happening is attracting plenty of high-class…scum,” said Obi-Wan.
I know I’ve harped on this before, but it’s time that we expand our Galaxy Far, Far Away epithets beyond “scum.” There’s a whole galaxy of nerdy, fictional profanity out there that we can employ. How about the old Huttese standbys sleemo or poodoo? I lean a little more toward Corellian spacer lingo myself, so I’d love to hear “Sithspawn!” come out of Ahsoka’s little mouth. Or how about, my favorite: kark. As in “Kark on you, Jedi!” Kark can be used as a noun, a verb, an adjective, possibly an adverb. Kriff serves a similar function, as in “My wife’s gonna knock the kriff out of me, because I just got kriffed out of my YT-1300 playing sabacc with some Ryn on Ord Mantell. That was kriffed up.” Clone Wars writers, take note. End digression.
Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Cody would pose as slavers, wearing odd, Haradrim-style headdresses, coming to the Queen of Zygerria’s auction. Yes, that meant Ahsoka would be their slave. “The role of master comes easily to me,” said Anakin, clearly enjoying every minute of his Padawan’s faux subjugation. You could practically smell the glitterstim in the air as our quartet walked down the exotic Zygerrian capital’s perfumed, sun-baked streets—a place where Kowakian monkey lizards duel with makeshift swords in the streets. (Seriously, Kowakian monkey lizards can use swords?) One might ask why desert planets in Star Wars always seem to be backwater havens of, un, scum and villainy, like Tatooine, Geonosis, Kessel, Nal Hutta, and now Zygerria. Um, because of the spice, obviously! Hmmm…spice. That’s my Frank Herbert-approved answer for you.
NEXT: Behold…Slave Ahsoka.