Tom arrives home and hesitantly starts to tell Julia about his fib. Unfortunately, she's already heard about it -- via a telephone chain of Broadway stars including Mary Testa, Jackie Hoffman, Cheyenne Jackson, and La Fierstein himself -- and predictably, she's totally jazzed about the of speaking at the gala. Oh no, this is just like the plot of every sitcom ever!
Julia's high doesn't quite last once she and Tom arrive at the Theatre Wing Ding Thing (as Harvey called it earlier. Can he please become a series regular?). Immediately, Julia makes a beeline to Theatre Wing president Miriam Abramson -- oh hai, Margo Martindale! -- and subsequently makes a fool out of herself by talking about her upcoming "speech." Miriam, naturally, has no idea what the crazy adulteress is blabbing about.
After that humiliating encounter, Julia is furious at Tom. But Tom's not so up on Julia either -- he tells her that she's got to snap out of her funk. In return, she demands that he say whatever he's been hiding from her: "I'm not made of glass! Just scarves!" And that's when Tom comes clean: "Word on the street is that you couldn’t hack it on Bombshell, that you had a nervous breakdown, and that I should start looking for another writing partner before my career goes down with yours." Also, she's a virgin who can't drive.
Despite Julia's awesome marshmallow therapy, Ivy is still feeling blue. She tells Sam that she's been having doubts about pursuing her theatrical dreams... then is rudely interrupted by a completely hammered Derek, who's lolling about her stoop. Hoo boy. He's desperate for someone to tell him he isn't a horrible person. (Or, as he puts it, "You knoowaimlike. I’m nothabaad.") Ivy manages not to roll her eyes all the way into the back of her skull when he calls her his "friend" -- but after Derek reassures her that she definitely shouldn't quit the business, she softly tells him that she doesn't think he's a monster. And for a moment, their faces draw closer and closer... until Ivy cuts Derek off with a curt "not gonna happen." Ha! Yay for Ivy growing back her spine!
Karen brings her crew of theater gazelles to a mysterious land known as Greenpoint, Brooklyn, where Jimmy and Kyle are throwing an awesome hipster party in their ginormous apartment. She's on a mission to get Jimmy to share his songs with her; Bobby is on a mission to make out with Kyle. Only one of them may be successful.
Iowa quickly locates Jimmy, and soon the two of them are bantering like usual (read: he's insulting her and she's weakly trying to defend herself). After about four sips of backwashed liquid courage, she's ready to enact her plan. Karen takes a deep breath and begins to sing "Caught in the Storm," the song Kyle gave her. Soon, Ana joins in on the piano. She's building up to a crescendo, she's crooning lyrics clearly about her imminent relationship with Jimmy, and as she finally ends, she prepares for the applause she knows is coming... except instead, there's nothing but crickets and the sound of PBR cans being popped open.
NEXT: Lord, what fools these mortals be!