And now it's time for Evil Storytime with Jeremy Crane. Over 200 years ago, Katrina's coven buried the witch's son in this very spot. But though he was underground, his magical blood kept Jeremy alive -- and so he remained in his pine coffin, "lying weakened in this dark prison, feeding on the vines that crept in alongside of me, crying out to the pitiless god that put me there and to the two who abandoned me to eternal suffering." Man, those Crane men really do have a way with words.
Eventually, salvation came for Jeremy in the form of Moloch -- his "true father," who took the warlock out of the ground over a decade ago. It turns out this event is what Abbie and Jenny spied in the woods 13 years ago, the day they encountered Moloch. In fact, Abbie was sent to the forest to prevent Jeremy's resurrection -- but she was too young and weak to stop it. So Jeremy left the woods, stumbling upon the abandoned church Jenny just sped away from, which is also the place where Katrina abandoned her son all those years ago: St. Henry's Parrish. The saint's name is a sign. Brilliant.
Jeremy, Henry, the Second Horseman, whatever you want to call him -- he didn't just engineer Katrina's rescue from Purgatory so that he could gloat in front of Mum. He rescued her so that he could deliver her to Headless, in exchange for the second apocalyptic seal -- which, when broken, will bring that demonic war we've heard so much about. Jeremy and Headless trade prizes; Ichabod is trapped in the coffin where his son was once entombed; Jeremy smiles. "Now, it begins." And... end scene. My heart rate may return to normal any day now.
- I want to make note of Ichabod's charming encounter with a group of Revolutionary War reenactors, but I'm too emotionally drained to even think about it right now.
- Oh yeah -- so Irving decided to confess to the murders Macey committed when she was possessed, and he's currently being held upstate. Maybe he'll be able to bust out of jail and rescue everybody?
- Related: It's still unclear what happened to Detective Morales post-possession. Is he alive? Dead? Still boring?
- Ichabod's delightful voicemail message: "Good day. This is Captain Ichabod Crane, Esq. If you’d be so kind to please leave your name, rank, and an address where I may reach you, and I will return this correspondence in a timely manner. …Now what do I press? Pound? What’s pound?"
- Ichabod discovers emoticons: "'On my way colon closed parenthesis.' Oh, it's a man's face! I suppose that's charming."
- Crane's chat with Fake Siri, however, can hardly touch his heart-to-heart with Yolanda.
- George Washington was the leader of the first successful colonial revolution, the first president of the United States, and, if these flashbacks are any indication, the inventor of heavage.
- While admiring the stitches on Reverend Knapp's neck, Ichabod notes that one of his old flames was a seamstress. Abbie: "Who'd you date, Betsy Ross?" Ichabod, astounded: "How did you know that?"
- And later, when they've arrived at Washington's tomb, Abbie: "That rock in the clearing -- would that be your Masonic marker?" Ichabod: "Does an alderman have an unwarranted self-regard?" (That means yes in Crane.)
- Maybe in season 2, we'll learn that Katrina's witch powers explain how she managed to find Garnier Nutrisse Medium Intense Auburn Ultra Color in the 1700s.
- Abbie tells Jenny to have faith. Jenny's reply: "I have more than faith. I'm a mental patient with a gun." Please, TV gods, don't let her be dead.
- Now, who's gonna resurrect Daddy Crane so we can get more Victor Garber?
- How the hell is next year's first opening clip montage going to begin? "Previously, on Sleepy Hollow: EVERYTHING."
However will we survive until Sleepy Hollow's triumphant return? Please feel free to share strategies in the comments. Until this fall, I remain, respectfully yours -- Lieutenant Hills.