Tamra, you get out of that tub this instant. Blow out the candles, take your extensions out of that sad little pony tail, and get poor Eddie another glass of wine. The boom operator could probably use a drink too, after being forced to bear whimpering witness to what appeared to be actual penetration. In fact the entire Bravo production team should get time-and-a-half simply for enduring Tamra and Eddie's pre-bubble banter.
Tamra: Hey baby.
Eddie: You're naked.
Tamra: I'm so naked.
Somewhere in Orange County Simon was throwing bottles of tequila at his TV screen while screaming obscenities and blaming it all on Vicki.
So if Tamra and Eddie sloshing around in the tub wasn't your idea of a turn-on, how about Gretchen's praising of Slade's spade? "Slade's penis gets harder or softer according to my mood," she said. Sweet Jesus, no. Meanwhile, Peggy tried to impress the girls by telling them that she and her husband did it in the closet the other night for two minutes. But then Alexis had to one-up her with stories of doing it in the closet so many times she's lost count, and then there was this one time, at band camp, when she pinned Jim down on a chair and ... Earmuffs, Jesus!
The crack editing team keeps trying to subtly imply that one storyline this season will be the fraying of Alexis and Jim's marriage. I'm not buying it. Yes, she wants a little more me time. Yes, Jim is a fourth child who makes his wife lug in all the bags on vacation while he demands room service. Yes, he can't bear being in the presence of his children for longer than two-to-four hour increments. And now that they're down to only one nanny—poor, miserable-looking Sandra who couldn't believe out of the 217 bags Alexis brought, hers is the one that got left behind—Jim really has to pitch in more. "One of us should each take a girl," Alexis told her husband at the zoo. "Yeah," he agreed, "I'll take James." Dude, you suck so bad. But Alexis loves the man because he tells her she's beautiful and buys
her nice things himself two-for-$27,000 watches. He is her King, not her co-parent.
NEXT: Gretchen calls Slade a fat-ass, ha ha ha ha ha ha!