It's Housewives round-up time, y'all. That meant somebody had to host a Bravo-funded party and this time Alexis drew the short stick. She decided to bring everyone together at a Botox spa rather than at her home. "When the cat fights start," she explained, in her one good line of her entire Real Housewives tenure, "I don't want champagne on my sofa." Tamra wrongly calculated that it'd be really hilarious if she brought some Mace to the party, just in case Gretchen got out of line. (Side note: How low rent was Vicki and Tamra's limo?)
Fernanda, who strikes me as a perfectly reasonable, low-drama woman and thus an imperfect match for reality TV, was a little peeved that Tamra missed her citizenship party. She very calmly broached the subject while the woman was getting a shoulder rub-down. You would've thought Fernanda came after her wielding a botox needle and screeching obscenities in Portuguese. Tamra was horrified by her fitness trainer's need to express her feelings in soothing monotone. Doesn't she understand that their friendship is one-sided and she shows her love by paying monthly class dues and doling out occasional sexual innuendo? Tamra gasped over Charo's simmering anger, her inappropriate pot-stirring. The woman's behavior was mind-boggling. Oh Fernanda, get while the gettings good.
Virgos are such goofballs. And Peggy has never met a Virgo she didn't instantly love. Any Aries in the house? Peggy wondered. Vicki happily raised her hand and thus alliances were forged. Gretchen—that f#^@ing Scorpio—and Alexis, and now possibly Fernanda, on one plush couch spotted with dabs of rich women's blood and bits of forehead crust, while Vicki, Tamra, and Peggy gathered on massage chaises. Peggy cleverly opened by complimenting Vicki on her business savvy before somewhat apologetically admitting to being friends with Alexis. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Vicki wanted to cut to the chase. She's going to cry when she's sad and laugh when she's happy. Peggy gazed approvingly at her, as if Vicki was unraveling some code to human behavior, and rubbed at the hologram she'd tucked into her bra.
Alright, enough fun everybody. Vicki is wearing her important grey dress and that means she has to get back to work where she will remain until sunrise, willing the phone to ring so someone out there will fill up her love tank by telling her she did a good job on those claim forms. (Cut to sad Donn, asleep since 10 pm, clutching a Golf magazine for warmth.) On the way out Tamra couldn't resist showing everybody her Mace. Ha ha ha, she laughed, I didn't have to spray this directly into Gretchen's eyes, ha ha ha, I would have made her choke on it. Vicki and Tamra left, and this is where I picture the producers sitting on their knees pumping the remaining women up. "Can you believe Tamra brought Mace? That stuff is used against rapists and child molesters! Do you think Tamra thinks you're a child molester, Alexis?" And.... roll 'em! The episode ended with a prolonged shot of Gretchen and Alexis wincing and pursing their lips. How dare Tamra? She will pay for her classlessness. Oh yeah, like she's scared. "Next time I'll bring a dildo!" smirked Tamra. Just. Don't.
Is this season incredibly lame or am I just crabby and sleep-deprived? Is Gretchen's whole waffling bit about marrying Slade just her calculating to get her own Gretchen Ever After? show? Also, has her skin always been this plagued? Say what you want about Vicki, but Briana and Michael seem to be good kids, don't you think? Can someone from Bravo dummy up a contract that demands Tamra wear underpants at all times?