Ouch, RHONJ. You just hurt my soul. It's one thing when a middle-aged woman's horrible behavior is put on display for snarky Bravo viewers' judgment, but when the episode's dramatic set piece centers on a 10-year-old girl's meltdown, nobody wins.
Of course, we didn't get a much-needed respite from the Giudice-Gorga adult sibling drama. Teresa brought up the showdown at Kathy's pool party to Juicy Joe, which wasn't a good idea. (Wasn't Teresa the one who told Gorgo that he shouldn't tell his wife everything? The hypocrisy was almost too obvious.) Juicy Joe went on an F-bomb-laden rant about Teresa's brother and his wife, and his threatening tirade actually made me feel sorry for Teresa. Some disturbing bits:
"When I say something, you listen and shut up!"
"Even if your mother or father say something, I'm kicking them out of the house ... I'll end up leaving you as well."
In a move that should surprise no one, Teresa defended her husband's borderline-abusive words, explaining that that's just Juicy when he gets angry. "Knock on wood, we never fight," Teresa said, while rapping her knuckles against her own head. Maybe Teresa actually has a sense of humor about her own thickheadedness -- or maybe she just doesn't understand what "knock on wood" means.
The two endomorphic Manzos, Lauren and Papa Albert, decided to burn approximately 12 calories by hitting golf balls at the driving range. Caroline reminded us for the 40th time this season that when she was Lauren's age, she was stick-thin, and said, "Lauren is Albert in a dress." God, that's harsh. Albert joked that he was actually happy that Lauren was chubby in high school, because "boys want to be friends with chubby chicks, not go out with them." Double ouch. Perhaps the saddest, most hilarious moment of the episode came when the photo of Lauren and Albie at prom together flashed on the screen. Going to prom with a sibling is just... brutal. I thought that only happened in 80s teen movies to girls with dental headgear. When her brothers were giving Lauren a hard time about her diet, Caroline reprimanded her, not the boys. Lauren really is the real-life Meg Griffin. No one in her family seems to be truly on her side, except, I guess, Jacqueline, who enjoys spending time with a 20-something girl who doesn't hate her for a change.
NEXT: You all knew a kid just like Gia when you were growing up, right? She'd flip the Clue board and go crying to her mom if she lost, and then her mother would come in and punish you for cheating?